Satire: Trump’s Eulogy for Jimmy Carter

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Donald Trump is livid over Biden being chosen to deliver the eulogy at Carter’s funeral instead of him.  He claims the selection was rigged.  After all, Trump is not only the president elect but also the only legitimately elected president for the past four years.  Thus, he plans to post his eulogy for Carter on Truth Social where the audience will be larger than for the broadcasts of the Carter funeral, but not as large as the hordes of people who will attend his inaugural.  Indeed, he plans to also post it on Facebook too now that the site no longer conducts fact checking.

“I come to bury Carter, not to praise him.  It may surprise you that I am glad Carter is a former president.   Unlike me, he was a quitter and never tried to win the next election.  Moreover, he was such a poor president that my administrations will look stellar in comparison. At least this memorial service unites us in the Capitol to commemorate the love fest my supporters staged here four years ago.

Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer from Georgia.  I’ve often wondered if he was responsible for stuffing those extra 11,000 votes in the ballot boxes that resulted in my losing Georgia in 2020.  Worse yet he literally worked for peanuts!  Not only did he never amass a fortune anywhere near the size of mine, he performed manual labor.  He wasn’t lucky enough to have a rich father or to be able to afford a lawyer like Roy Cohn.  After he was ousted from office for overthrowing the Shah and encouraging the Islamic Republic to seize American diplomats as hostages, he volunteered to build houses for the poor. What worse way to spit on the American dream than to work for free.  Yes, he built a lot of wooden houses, but not any golf courses, office buildings, and resort hotels.  He didn’t possess sufficient pride to affix plaques with his name on those ramshackle dwellings.

The lying press has stressed how deeply devout Carter was.  Although he taught the bible, I sell bibles.  Therefore, I’ve done more to market the Gospels than he ever did.  Come to think of it, I don’t recall any of his supporters ever treating him like a Messiah like my followers do.

The press has slandered me as a sexual abuser ignoring that Carter once gave an interview to Playboy confessing that he had lusted in his heart.  At least I act on my impulses.  I attempted to help him with his passive libido by inviting him to a Jeffrey Epstein party and fixing him up with Stormy Daniels after Rosalind passed away.  He typically declined by citing a line from Corinthians, “Flee from sexual immorality.”  I’ve asked my publisher to redact that passage and similar ones from my bible.

Finally, as we justifiably send this plain man back to Plains, I want to express my outrage that he deliberately died within 30 days of my inauguration so the flags would be at half-mast that day.  Such petty partisanship!”

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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.