By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Given his priorities of avoiding foreign wars and troop deployments abroad, Donald Trump surprised the world when he announced that the United States will “take over” Gaza, relocate its Palestinian residents in Egypt and Jordan, and oversee but not pay for its reconstruction. An administration spokesperson subsequently clarified that Trump won’t station American soldiers there, probably because their primary missions are fighting the alien invasion on the Southern border, shooting protestors at anti-Trump demonstrations, and invading Canada and Greenland.
A closer look at Trump’s comments reveals that he regards his Gaza proposal as a real estate development project. As he put it, rebuilding Gaza would transform it into the “Riviera of the Middle East.” He repeatedly referred to Gaza as a “demolition site” as if it were torn down by contractors rather than by a massive bombing campaign. He added that “it should not go through a process of rebuilding and occupation by the same people who have lived there and died there.” As he has demonstrated with his past tenants, he has no compunction about evicting them and not letting them rent from him since they’re not white Christians. Instead, he intends to resettle them in a “beautiful area, permanently in nice homes where they can be happy.” If Egypt and Jordan don’t comply, the Gazans might love Greenland once the United States owns it.
Trump perceives the Gaza coastline as beach front property, a Mecca for swimming and surfing if mines are removed and the Israeli blockade lifted. Moreover, he appreciates that Gaza is full of holes and sand that are essential for golf courses. If there are any unexploded IED’s lying around, Wedge Sand Blasters can detonate them. He’ll divert the water California has hoarded to dump into the Pacific Ocean into transoceanic pipelines to water Gaza fairways and greens.
It hasn’t dawned on Trump that most Gazans will refuse to leave, even if it is only “temporarily.” Their ancestors heard something similar when they fled from their lands in 1948, and it didn’t work out well. So maybe he can gain their support by assuring them employment in the businesses, casinos, and hotels that will sprout up in the new Gaza. He expects devout Muslims to flock to jobs as bartenders serving alcohol to customers even though they themselves are forbidden to drink it or as managers of a chain of nudie joints named the Gaza Strip Clubs. The women will thrive as clerks in Ivanka’s designer hijabs stores. Even Hamas might desist from its terrorist activities if permitted to convert its tunnels into escape rooms for tourists or run BDS kiosks, Buy Donald’s Souvenirs.
Trump expects little in return for his humanitarian gesture: only that his memecoin be the official currency of Gaza, that plaques bearing his name be affixed on all the new buildings, and that Elon Musk be given access to the Hamas membership database.
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.
Brilliant and hysterical as usual! The Trumpers comments on here continue to prove they’ll buy anything he’s selling no matter how ridiculous!
How many times does the Gaza strip fit into San Diego city? If Gazan’s don’t take a holiday and move somewhere else while the place is rebuilt then they can stay live under the sun and eat dirt.
It takes a twisted mind to turn a hopeful proposal into such a negative result.
Where is the humanity in these hateful satires?
I don’t really care if you agree or disagree with my columns or whether you find them funny or satirical. That is a matter of political opinion and personal taste. What I do resent is that the way you impugn my mental health: “a twisted mind” or earlier on my Carter eulogy column “The writer needs help from medical professionals.” This is the Donald Trump tactic (and that of Putin as well) of dismissing policy criticism as a product of mental illness. This is the last time I’ll respond to your criticisms because they are ad hominem and not substantive.
This is supposed to be satire, but many readers will take it seriously, which seems to be your intention. I suppose you prefer the Obama, Hillary, Biden & Harris solutions?