OLDSMAR, Florida — Partial transcript of a debate among King Farouk I of Egypt, President Shukri Kuwatly of Syria, President Bechara Khoury of Lebanon, King Abdullah of Jordan and King Faisal II of Iraq on the evening of May 14, 1948, minutes after David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the establishment of the State of Israel:
Abdullah: “… have to follow the rules as members of the United Nations, don’t we? I mean if they say …”
Farouk I: “Screw the United Nations. Who said they could just terminate the British Mandate over …”
Khoury: “Hey, I went on a mandate when I turned 18.”
Farouk I: “Oh, shut up, Bechy. This is serious. I’m talking about the Mandate over Palestine.”
Kuwatly: “There is no Palestine.”
Abdullah: “Now wait a minute, Shukri.”
Kuwatly: “Technically, there’s never been a Palestine. Not a country, anyway. It was just a dumpy backwater in the dying Ottoman Empire.”
Farouk I: “Nevertheless …”
Khoury: “Which reminds me, who names an empire after a footstool?”
Farouk: “For Chr- … for Allah’s sake, Bechy. You want to be a comedian? Move to the Catskills.”
Kuwatly: “But about Palestine …”
Faisal II: “Technically, true, Shukri. But there’s Palestinians, right? Just like there’s Eskimos, right? Go find Eskimoland on a map. Doesn’t matter if there’s no ‘official’ Palestine. We can claim it and do whatever we want, just like Canada’s been doing to the Eskimos.”
Farouk I: “Hey, I think you just hit it. We can say we’re, um, just trying to save the Palestinians from the … from the …”
Abdullah: “Say it, king.”
Farouk I: From the Jews!”
Abdullah: “Exactly! We can post signs all over the desert, ‘No Jews Allowed’, and sweep them from the river to the sea.”
Faisal II: “Ooh, nice slogan. I think we can do something with that.”
Kuwatly: “But what are we going to do with all the Palestinians who want to settle in our countries?”
Farouk I: “Nothing. Just because we want to ‘save’ them, doesn’t mean we ‘want’ to save them.”
Abdullah: “Wait. What?”
Farouk I: “Y’know where the word ‘Palestine’ comes from? ‘Philistine.’ I looked it up. It means ‘Someone hostile or indifferent to culture and the arts.’ You want a million of them in your country?”
All five: “No!”
Faisal II: “Okay, so what do we do about it?”
Farouk I: “Wipe Israel off the map. Our armies outnumber theirs by like ten to one. They haven’t got a chance. We’ll turn it into Palestine. Let them have their own country. What they do with it is none of our business. So, all in favor of war with Israel, say ‘aye’.”
All five: “Aye.”
Khoury: “Oh, just one more thing.”
Farouk I: “What, Bechy?”
Khoury: “Take my wives, please.”
(Recording ends)
*
Partial transcript of a discussion among United States President Donald Trump, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Monday, January 27, 2025, seven days after Trump was sworn in:
Trump: “It was never in doubt, guys.”
Hegseth: “Really? I was really sweating until I realized Vance was going to cast the tie-breaking …”
Trump: “Not you. Me. I’ve had a lock on the presidency since Sleepy Joe decided to run again.”
Miller: “Look, Pete. Just keep your ears open and your mouth shut. We know what we’re doing and you’re lucky we paid the right people to vote for you.”
Hegseth: “I dunno. I thought I handled those mouthy broads pretty well during the confir-…”
Miller: “Shut up, Pete.”
Trump: “Guys, guys, look. I think I’ve worked out the whole Gaza thing and …”
Hegseth: “What’s a Gaza?”
Trump and Miller; “Shut the f… up!”
Trump: “Steve, I got this idea from Greg Abbott.”
Hegseth: “Who’s Greg Abbott?”
(Silence)
Hegseth: “Ooh, I know. Abbott and … what’s his name? Costello! I love them! Hysterical. I know it by heart. ‘What is the fella’s name on third base? What is the fella’s name on second base? I’m not asking you who’s on second. Who’s on first? I dunno.’ … ”
Trump and Miller: “Third base!”
(Multiple voices giggling)
Trump: “Anyway, about Abbott …”
Miller: “The governor flew hundreds of immigrants out of Texas and dumped them in other states. That was my idea. So what about him?”
Trump: “So what if we do the same with Palestinians?”
Hegseth: “Fly Palestinians to the United States?”
(Long silence, followed by growling)
Trump: “No, you moron. Just fly them out of Gaza.”
Miller: “How is flying hundreds of …”
Trump: “Not hundreds. All of them.”
Miller: “What? How?”
Trump: “I’ve done the math. We can jam like a thousand people into a C-5M Super Galaxy, our gigantic transport plane. Like I told reporters on Saturday, we move a million people out of Gaza, eventually we clean out the whole thing. All it takes is enough flights.”
Miller: “Fly them where?”
Trump: “To Egypt, to Jordan, to Lebanon, to Iraq, to Syria.”
Hegseth: “What if they don’t want …”
Trump: “Doesn’t matter. They’ll get them whether they like it or not. The five of them have about six-hundred thousand square miles of desert. The Israelis know how to make deserts livable. They’ve been doing it for decades. We’ll pay Israel to teach the Arabs how to do it.”
Miller: “But …”
Trump: “But nothing. They’ve been wailing about the ‘poor Palestinians’ forever.”
Miller: “Because?”
Hegseth: “Why? I don’t know. He’s on third and I don’t care!”
Trump: “Oh, that’s our shortstop!”
(Groans and laughter)
(Recording ends)
*
Bruce Lowitt is a freelance writer based in Oldsmar, Florida.