Satire: Give the Gift of Grift

By Bruce Lowitt

OLDSMAR, Florida –With the appointment by Donald Trump of prosperity theology televangelist and part-time Journey roadie Paula White-Cain as leader of his recently formed White House Faith office, the president has formally proclaimed the official United States religion to be Donationism, based on the belief that in order to be saved, one must give up one’s savings.

According to Trump’s executive order, the new faith office was established to “assist faith-based entities, houses of worship, and television personalities in their efforts to collect as much money as they can and deliver it unto me and my family and to those, like Paula, who serve me in my endeavor to make America not only great again but mine in perpetuity.”

On her website and social media, White-Cain told her followers they could avail themselves of a special offer for the mid-April “Passover season,” with “spiritual rewards” based on the “amount of cash they shell out … uh, the quantity … no, I mean the quality of the offering to the house of the Lord.”

Those who give $25.00, she said, will receive a full-color photograph of Trump authentically signed by an autopen. Those giving $50.00 can choose between a laser disc copy of JD Vance’s memoir Hillbilly Elegy or a ride in an unvandalized 2024 Tesla Cybertruck driven by Marco Elez, one of Elon Musk’s “absolutely totally one hundred percent not-racist” DOGE foot soldiers.

For a gift of between $100.00 and $999.00, the donor will be treated to a personal hands-on blessing by White-Cain, FOX host Jeanine Pirro or wastrel Eric Trump, depending on the authenticated gender of the donor and, based on the amount donated, where the hands are placed.

For gifts of $1,000 or more, White-Cain is selling seven “supernatural blessings” which require a week to administer in the home, office, or, preferably, vacation rental of the donor.

A donation of $1-million or more gives the donor the opportunity to participate in Signal chats on the attack plans of President Trump’s Cabinet (attacks on Social Security, Science, World Health, the Veterans Administration, or select countries).

For a donation of $1-billion or more the donor can choose which seat in the Cabinet on which he or she wants to serve. The position of defense secretary is expected to be available soon.

White-Cain, a Charismatic Christian, said she chose to use “Passover season” as the name of her gift program “because the Jews have all the money and I figure that will convince them to fork over a ton of it, right?”

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Bruce Lowitt is a freelance writer based in Oldsmar, Florida