The Five Books of Wet Noses aka The Old Dog Testament

In Memory of Ozzie, Our Anatolian Shepherd, 2003-2018

By Laurie Baron

Book 1 Genesis

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and carved out spaces for dog beaches and parks.  God created Dog in his/her own temperament to make sure Adam and Eve and their descendants never felt alone and to bring them their fig leaves and sandals in the morning.  When Adam and Eve violated God’s command not to eat from the Tree of Wisdom, they and their dogs were expelled from the Garden of Eden, and dogs were required to wear leashes.

Book 2   Exodus

Dogs followed the Hebrews to Egypt because they both were shepherds.  Dogs hated living in Egypt where people worshipped cats and their Hebrew masters were enslaved.  To the dismay of the dogs, none of the pyramids had fire hydrants next to them.  During an escape of the slaves through the parted waters of the Red Sea, the dogs followed their masters because it was rumored they were heading to the land of Canine.

Book 3 Lebiticus

Forty years they wandered together in the desert where there was little food.  And the Lord made manna drop from the sky to provide them sustenance.  The headline in the Daily Papyrus read, “Dogs bite manna.”  The dogs did not abandon the Jews even when they worshipped a golden calf instead of a golden retriever.

Book 4 Numbers

It’s simple math. The number of licks and wags humans get is directly proportional to the number of pets, treats, tummy rubs, and walks they give their dogs.  This book also contains careful directions on how to build the Bark of the Covenant and bans animal sacrifices.

Book 5 Dogeromomy

The journey was almost over.  Canine beckoned.  But the Lord did not permit Moses, the leader of the slaves, to enter Canine.  Moses’ dog stayed behind with his master and found him a doctor to put him to sleep.  Due to a typo in the map Moses was carrying, it turned out the Promised Land was not named Canine but Canaan. And that is why cats rule the streets of Israel even to this day.

Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.