By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — “Liar, liar, pants on fire” originated only as a childhood taunt. But President Trump – stung by present-day accusations that many of his utterances deserve that rating — is concerned that, one day, the punishment might literally come true. And so, he’s commissioned a line of flame-retardant trousers.
“I’m a big guy, so a real fire could cause serious harm,” he tweeted. “Believe me, very big, very serious.”
Responding to the order, the unnamed clothing manufacturer is at work on a line of fire-resistant dress pants, casual pants, golf pants, underpants and more. As an extra precaution, some models will have a loop at one side, to accommodate a small fire extinguisher.
The custom-made pants would already have been available, but the first workable formula contained a mixture of linen and wool, a violation of Jewish Shatnez law, prohibiting wearing a garment that contains the two together. As a result, the observant Jewish manufacturer refused to release the pants. So it’s been back to the drawing board.
The president has apparently been influenced by PolitiFact, an online project in which reporters and editors fact-check what elected officials say, and then assign each comment a “Truth-O-Meter” rating. The ratings range from “True” for completely accurate statements to “Pants on Fire” for false and ridiculous.
President Trump has had a great many “Pants on Fire” ratings, and earned PolitiFact’s 2017 Lie of the Year designation for claiming that Russian election interference was a “made-up story.”
Regarding the flame-repellant clothing line, the president declared, “I have more respect for the truth than anyone you’ll ever meet. Believe me. But frankly, the corrupt media tries to tell a different story. And I know more about fire than the best fire-fighters. I’m a fire-fighting genius, but I’m so busy with creating jobs, cutting our trade deficit and planning the wall on the southern border, I’m leaving the pants-line details to the manufacturer.”
Sources say there may also be a flame-repellant woman’s line for Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the President’s press secretary, and adviser Kellyanne Conway, famous for excusing Sean Spicer’s “alternative facts.” The women’s lies may not be their own, but are undoubtedly of pants-on-fire quality. And women liars certainly deserve equal protection, these sources contend.
Also, a Secret Service spokesman said it would be “perfectly appropriate” to have flame-retardant trousers made for those who protect the President and are constantly in “inflammatory range of him.”
A question still to be resolved is who should pay for the custom-made presidential clothing. Lawyers for the president contend that his lies are part of his official duties, so it should be at the Government’s expense. Others argue that since Trump was an inveterate, even pathological, liar before he took office, the bill for the custom-made clothing should be his.
Insiders report that the manufacturer wants to market a line for ordinary citizens, identified by a capital T, and would have called the trousers “FIREhosen,” but some White House aides feared people would mispronounce it as LIARhosen, and it was ultimately rejected. Another discarded suggestion: Not-so-hotPants.
Whatever the final name, liars will be able to tell flame-free untruths and, to a degree, lie in peace.
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San Diego Jewish World assures readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.