Wanted: Better listeners, who don’t interrupt!

By Sheldon F. Merel

ENCINITAS, California — You’re sitting around chatting with a group of friends, and someone says ,” I just bought a new Honda.”  Quick as a flash….another person  immediately chimes in , “ Well, my friend bought a Cadillac.!”, OR , at another time,  a person says, “My cousin went to Miami,….”    You can’ t resist,  and have to top it  with,  “Frankly , I prefer Las Vegas.”

This might also sound familiar,  “My poor sister is suffering with migraine head aches.”   Now, watch the “interrupter” jump in with,  “My close friend just had a brain tumor.”

Without listening to the rest of the story, most people grab a remark of the speaker as permission to interject their own response, and the “game” of  interrupting each other begins !

Let’s admit  it, most of us are guilty of being “interrupters,”  and using another person’s remarks  as a  springboard to “top“ what was just said, and tell our own story.

If you’re like most people, you want to get your point across,. but in doing so you may well ignore the other person completely.

Stephen Covey wrote, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.  Good listeners focus on understanding what’s being said, rather than thinking of what they want to say next.

William Hazlitt, wrote in the late 18th century, “The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”

A famous teacher taught that the word, “ listen” has the same letters as the word “silent.”  Silence is indeed a part of listening, but good listeners don’t have to be completely quiet.

The author of Data Mining for Dummies points out  “Superior listeners gather more information than just the words that people say, and use  that information to gain meaning.

Most people  filter everything they hear through their own life experiences. Try not to  compare  the speaker’s words  with your personal  story.  Otherwise, you  may  decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.

Try to listen,  clarify and paraphrase the information, and pay attention to what it means. Otherwise, you may selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation and miss the meaning entirely.

Make people feel they are heard. Part of listening is making others feel  you are listening to them.  In fact, research shows that people who feel listened to are more likely to engage in future interactions with you.

In time and with practice, you can become a good listener, and apply this skill in your work and everyday conversations. Others will enjoy being around you,  and help you learn more about  them..

“It’s  okay to  ask appropriate questions, but prepare what you are going to say before you ask “(Stephen Covey)    Good questions are evidence that you’re listening, and interested in building on what you heard.

In a study on the differences between great and average listeners, researchers found that people who ask thoughtful questions are perceived as better listeners.

Mind the “gap.”

One reason listening may be difficult is the “gap” between how fast we think, compered to  how fast people talk.   To make up for that gap, while you are listening, review and summarize the speaker’s main points in your mind.  Then, when he or she is finished, re-state the points and ask the speaker if you’ve understood the message by saying, “What I hear you saying is…”….?,    or “When you say that, do you mean….?”

Make eye contact.

One study found that lack of eye contact with a speaker makes listeners seem insincere.  Your level of  attentiveness can even affect how the speaker talks.

Researchers at the University of Massachusetts conducted an experiment in a college classroom, and found that when students didn’t  show they were listening, the professor spoke with a monotone voice.   When the students showed interest , the professor became more lively, gesturing , and speaking with a more modulated tone.

I hope  this article has made you more aware of your reactions when the flow of conversation becomes annoying.  You can change this pattern with your friends and family with a few well-chosen sensitive remarks without hurting anyone’s feelings.

For example : When someone in my group was interrupted, I said, ” I’d like to hear more of what Joe is saying.”    If I have been personally interrupted, I  say, “Excuse me , I haven’t finished.”   To stop a person in his or her tracks  at the moment of  an  interruption, and at the same time compliment  the speaker, I have said,  “When you finish , may I ask a question?”

It’s difficult to change the pattern of people who are accustomed to interrupting each other in  conversation.   However, I believe you can change this pattern by your example, and with a few well-chosen words at the appropriate time.  With your subtle guidance, everyone will be a winner.  Remember, its never too late to learn to become a better listener.

Merel is Cantor Emeritus of Congregation Beth Israel.