Humoring the headlines: July 16, 2018

Trump-Putin Behind the Scenes

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−President Trump’s kept his IPhone in a suit pocket during his private meeting with President Putin and left it on for Sean Hannity to listen in.  Before Fox News could broadcast it, I obtained an abridged transcript of the conversation between the two leaders:

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Trump: Vlad, I promised reporters that I would ask you about Russian interference in the 2016 American elections.  Is there any truth to this?

Putin: Of course not Donald, that’s just Fake News and a witch hunt.

Trump: I couldn’t have said it better.  But just between us autocrats, if Russia hacked the Democrats, couldn’t you still release Hillary Clinton’s missing emails? 

Putin: I’ll do even more.  I’ll disseminate the anti-Trump calls between Peter Strzok and Stormy Daniels?  That Michael Cohen taped everything. 

Trump: I’m under political pressure to demand the extradition of the Russians indicted by Robert Mueller, but let’s make a deal.  You release them to the United Kingdom, and the Ecuadorian Embassy will grant them asylum.  Julian Assange deserves some company.  In return I’ll issue a posthumous pardon for Ethel and Julius Rosenberg. 

Putin: Whatever I can do for you Donald.  You know I supported you.  When no one is around, I wear my MAGA cap.  The English great translates into gullible in Russian.  You know the scenic Crimea would be a splendid place to locate a resort.  A Trump Tower would be too obvious, but a Tiffany Tower would insulate you from charges of a conflict of interest as well as give your other daughter something to do.  Likewise, once we defeat ISIS in Syria, there will be opportunities in real estate development and plenty of holes for golf courses.

Trump: This has been the most productive summit meeting in the history of the world!  What should we tell the press about which issue we focused on?   

Putin: Adoptions!  Finally, I’m going to give you a soccer ball at our press conference.  Put it in your office and always speak directly and loudly into it.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally