By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Remember the old, upbeat saying. “If life deals you lemons, make lemonade”?
At first, President Trump took the saying literally, and seriously considered having his children open a lemonade stand in front of the White House. But Melania explained the meaning of the motto, and now the president is putting his unique spin — a twist of lemon? — on the advice. He’s treating as a triumph a phenomenon that any other target would consider a put-down.
The object in question is a customized, 19-ft balloon named “Trump Baby” that protesters against the president fashioned and flew during the president’s recent visit to Britain. The balloon was a satirical likeness of a scowling, orange-complected Trump, wearing only a diaper.
Trump commented: “Like the guy with the ass in the Bible, who started out to curse the Israelites but ended up blessing them, the same thing has happened with the jokers who came up with the very weak, failed attempt to insult me.
“First of all, the pathetic stunt helped draw tremendous crowds wherever we went. A wonderful tribute to my presidency. Reminded me of the record crowds I attracted at my inauguration.
“And, most exciting of all, it gave me a great idea, one of my greatest, to have special-made balloons by the hundreds as part of my reelection campaign.”
Accordingly, he has contracted with an Israeli company, Sky-Chai Novelties, to produce tremendous quantities of the balloons, some to fly and smaller ones to be carried. (“I love Israelis,” he commented, “nobody loves them more.”)
The balloons will be sold to Trump supporters, to help fund his reelection campaign (“Or his criminal defense fund,” said an aide who, for obvious reasons, asked not to be identified.)
Trump said his youngest daughter, Tiffany, 24, and youngest son, Barron, 12, would be in charge of the project, “since they’re not part of the Administration in any official capacity, and so they’ll be free from criticism by the fake, corrupt news media.”
Both the airborne and down-to-earth types of Israeli-made balloons will feature a likeness of Trump in various outfits other than a diaper, all featuring his signature red tie. In some, he’ll be hatless, in others wearing the type of cap he dons to play golf or address rallies of supporters, but each with a wisp of golden hair showing. He’d considered having his balloon image topless “as a tribute to Vladi,” but worried that “that would open a can of worms.”
Trump is perhaps proudest of his instruction that every balloon be accompanied by a streamer bearing such legends as “your favorite president,” “better poll numbers than Lincoln’s,” “nobody ever tougher on Russia,” “never too late to lock her up,” “eradicate witch hunts,” “the real threat is Montenegro.”
Some streamer slogans will be in foreign languages – Hebrew, Japanese, Russian. (“I have fans everywhere,” he said). And he’s considering conducting a streamer-saying contest. Also, people will be able to bid for the privilege of holding the biggest balloons aloft.
He predicted (jokingly, we think) that the Israeli firm, Sky-Chai Novelties, would sell so many Trump balloons, “it could create an unfair trade imbalance between Israel and the U.S.A.”
He’s also applying to have one of then blimp-size aerial balloons appear in Thanksgiving Day parades, joining such past and present all-stars as Humpty Dumpty, Uncle Sam and Tom Turkey.
“Maybe,” he said, as he seemed to grow what might be considered Pence-ive, “I could run a parade for myself. Mike assured me that people would “love” an all-Trump parade. Frankly, he’s absolutely right. Think of it: hundreds of marchers carrying Trump balloons. What a wonderful sight!!”
Some critics, though, called the idea of a Trump balloon parade, “one more symbol of an inflated ego.” But Trump replied, “Who cares? I never had any reason to say no to not doing this.”
Then he added proudly, “That was a triple negative!”
*
Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.