By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — If President Trump doesn’t serve out his term – say, through impeachment or resignation – the United States is likely to have its first Jewish president.
In a hitherto secret report, genealogists, helped by DNA testing, have found that Vice President Michael Pence has Jewish roots. His ancestors include his Jewish maternal grandmother, and thus he qualifies as Jewish himself.
On his father’s side, the family name was changed from Bentz to Pence and one great, great aunt, Mercedes, chose to keep her maiden name, Mercedes Bentz, even after she married an industrialist who eventually produced luxury automobiles.
Anyway, as we know, it’s matrilineal descent that counts,
The vice president, an avowed born-again evangelical, has taken the news of his newfound religious identity very well. “It’s Divine will,” he told a friend.
Not known is whether he would need an official evangelical authorization – a dis-Pence-ation? – to ensure an orderly, non-controversial transition to Judaism.
In any case, while he assured a confidant, “I remain firmly committed to the principle of separation of shul and state,” the vice president is already preparing to move into the White House, and transform it into a Jewish home.
He’s secretly been pricing hundreds of mezzuzot to place on the doorposts of the White House entrances and its 132 rooms. Also, according to anonymous sources, he’s asked designers to create plans for a sukkah and a giant-size Chanukah menorah, and anticipates posting the Ten Commandments throughout the White House. He’s also planning to endorse President Trump’s plan to make gefilte fish the official national fish.
Pence considered, but abandoned, the idea of having a mechitzah separate male and female correspondents at news briefings.
Perhaps most significantly, he plans to appoint a prominent rabbi as his official or unofficial prime adviser, and has already asked that unidentified spiritual leader for suggestions about Jewish customs that he can adopt.
One that Pence finds especially appealing is having the floors washed on Friday, well before Shabbos begins, and placing a “carpet” of newspapers over them as a walkway while they dry.
Pence’s first thought was to have the White House staff construct the path with Yiddish-language newspapers, but he’s reportedly now favoring “fake news” English-language papers, to be trod upon.
Pence has been preparing for a move to the White House since predictions of possible impeachment of the president have intensified. This theorizing includes the mechanism provided by the 25th amendment that the vice president and a majority of either Cabinet officials or “such other body as Congress may by law provide” may declare in writing that the president “is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office.”
According to aides, speaking with the guarantee of anonymity, Pence seems more and more open to the idea.
His possible support of a Trump impeachment complicates the vice president’s search for a synagogue affiliation. The house of worship that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner attend would ordinarily be a likely candidate, but would be an awkward choice for Pence under the circumstances
President Trump somehow got wind of the Pence presidential plans and angrily tweeted: “Et too, Mike? SAD. I thought you were the one guy who would stay loyal to me, no matter what. And now, a knife in the back. SHAME.”
Pence quickly tweeted back; “Mr. President, sir, the ugly rumors are absolutely not true, completely false. I am loyal to you forever – to the end of your presidency, long may it continue, and well beyond. Your faithful servant, Michael Pence.”
As soon as he posted the tweet, witnesses say, Pence went back to reading how a vice president could help impeach a sitting president.
He planned to check the pardon statute later.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously