Enhanced Interrogations to Identify Anonymous
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — President Trump has decided that polygraphing all the associates he suspects of writing the anonymous OpEd in the failing New York Times will not not yield the identity of the treasonous culprit. He has appointed Dick Cheney to serve as the Presidential Grand Inquisitor to devise individualized tortures to ferret out the Eggs Benedict (he intended to say Benedict Arnold) in his inner circle.
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At first Cheney considered administering truth serum to KellyAnne Conway but realized she is immune to the truth. Instead he plans to wire her jaws and prevent her from doing any interviews until she confesses.
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He’ll subject John Bolton to a variant of water boarding called emery boarding applied to his mustache. Fearing that its bristles will be worn down to stubble, Bolton will divulge that he soured on Trump when he canceled nuking North Korea in favor of meeting little rocket man.
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To extract a confession from Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Cheney will incarcerate her indefinitely in a cell with April Ryan until she can’t withstand any more questions.
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Mike Pence will be forced to have dinner with a beautiful single woman who will reveal in the course of their meal that she is contemplating gender reassignment surgery.
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Dan Coates will be lured into admitting that he wrote the OpEd by the promise that the president will start allowing him to attend national security briefings.
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Cheney is certain that the most effective form of torture for Ben Carson is sleep deprivation.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally