By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Does anybody think we need more al chets this Yom Kippur?
We already have an abundance, including some we don’t understand. But just in case we’d like more, the White House communications team has sent to Jewish congregations across the nation a list of suggested politically related admissions of guilt. The team hopes they’ll be added to the age-old list of sins committed by individuals and the community, for which Jews seek Divine forgiveness.
“As Jew prepare for the Day of Atonement – and. as you know. President Trump loves the Jews more than anyone,” the message begins, “we’d like to offer a list of misdeeds relevant to the current political scene. And we urge synagogues to add them to their litany of sins for which congregants seek forgiveness several times during Yom Kippur services, striking their chest with a fist as each sin is confessed.”
Here are some of the new allegedly committed sins that the White House is suggesting we add:
Personal Traits:
For not sufficiently admiring or praising the president
For considering the president a pathological liar, bully, bigot, braggart and insensitive boor.
For believing the claims of failed fiction-writer Bob Woodward, traitor Omarosa and the gutless anonymous NY Times op-ed writer about the president and the White House.
For not believing Trump is the greatest U.S. president in the nation’s history, or at least since Abraham Lincoln.
Relations with Russia:
For insulting Vladimir Putin
For suggesting Russia has something “on” President Trump
For indicating there has been collusion and even conspiracy between the president and Russia
For suggesting the president has an unusual fondness for dictators
The president’s personal life:
For contending the president authorized payments of “hush money” to many women with whom he had affairs. For highlighting his need for everything his to be the biggest – from size of hands to size of crowds
For reminding Americans that Hillary Clinton had nearly 3 million more popular votes than he did
For publicizing reports that Trump administration members called him “moron” and “idiot”
For criticizing Trump for calling criticism of him “treason
For ridiculing the president for calling the press “the enemy of the people”
For disbelieving the president’s claim that he lost hundreds of friends in the 9/11attack
For not believing him when he said thousands of people in New Jersey celebrated the attack
On policies:
For taking issue with his assertion that separating children from their asylum-seeking parents was vital to U.S. national security
For suggesting his sweeping tax cut helps only the rich
For alleging that environmental deregulations contributed to unhealthy climate change
For disagreeing with the president’s stated displeasure with Iran, NAFTA and NATO agreements
Miscellany:
For contending that Attorney General Sessions was ethically correct, and really had no other choice, but to recuse himself from the Russian investigation
For expressing skepticism about the president’s recent claim that FEMA’s work in Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria was an “incredible unsung success,” For contending it was anything but
For transferring funds from FEMA at the beginning of hurricane season, to ICE for border security activities
For mentioning that President Trump got several deferments from serving in the armed forces
For not expecting the border wall to be built, and predicting that, if it is built, Mexico assuredly would not pay for it
For pointing out that Trump’s approach to health insurance leaves thousands unprotected
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It’s not known whether President Trump has seen the list of proposed additions to the al chet list. But he surely agrees that these are not only perceived, but real, offenses against him, and might enjoy imagining opponents’ self-inflicted bruises.
The list was sent to synagogues weeks ago, so one might expect some response, positive or otherwise. But thus far, according to a source familiar with the project, there have been no takers.
One more al chet?
Just a thought: maybe it’s the target of these accusations who should be confessing and seeking forgiveness for sins, not those who pointed them out.
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously