By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−Brett Kavanaugh conferred with White House advisers on how to deny the charge of attempted rape. They presented him with a number of alibis employed by powerful men in similar situations and counseled him to choose one and adapt it to his circumstances.
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Bill Clinton: “I did not try to have sexual relations with that woman, Mrs. Blasey Ford.”
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Bill Cosby: “The fact that this allegation has been made does not make them true. I do not intend to dignify it with any comment. Did I mention I coach my daughter’s basketball team?”
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Harvey Weinstein: “I came of age in the 80’s, when all the rules about behavior at parties were different. That was the culture then. I have since learned it’s not an excuse, though I’m not at liberty to say how I would rule on a case about date rape since that is a hypothetical question.”
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Donald Trump: “If you look at Bill Clinton, far worse. I only talked about grabbing women’s pussies, and his was action. His was — what he’s done to women, there’s never been anybody in the history of politics in this nation that’s been so abusive to women, and Hillary enabled him.”
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Bill O’Reilly: “Look, the entire allegation is a hit job. It really has to do with destroying voices that the far-left doesn’t like.”
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Kavanaugh’s Choice: “This is a completely false allegation. I have never done anything like what the accuser describes — to her or to anyone. Because this never happened, I had no idea who was making this accusation until she identified herself. Anyway it doesn’t matter since it’s my word against hers.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.