CSI-Clueless Saudi Investigator
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−The show opens with a gory scene of fifteen bearded men wearing red and white checkered keffiyehs cinched with black ayals. They are dismembering a bloody corpse with a bone saw inside the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. The camera shifts to the Oval Office of the White House where the President answers his Code Orange emergency phone and learns about the disappearance of a Saudi-born columnist for the Washington Post in Turkey. He appoints himself Detective Donny and deputizes Mike Pompeo to find out “what the hell is going on.” First, Donny calls the Crown Prince and King of Saudi Arabia, but they strongly insist that the journalist left their Embassy unharmed even though there is no closed circuit footage of him doing so. “Maybe he was wearing stealth armor?” Donny wonders. He believes them because of how strongly they deny their involvement in the matter. Besides Jared has vouched for them and the journalist isn’t even an American citizen, let alone a Christian missionary. He might even have been a Muslim terrorist! When Pompeo arrives in Istanbul, he notices a Service Master truck leaving the Saudi Embassy. Now there are rumors that rogue Saudis may have detained the columnist and killed him during an interrogation by accidentally beheading him while sawing through the water board on which his head was resting. Donny deduces that this sounds like Dick Cheney was behind the operation. Donny fondly recalls that the Saudi royal family only uses swords and other sharp tools when they are dancing. Donny ignores advice from the Congress that sanctions must be imposed on the Saudis for the abduction and apparent murder. It seems to him that the Saudis are being unjustly framed like Brett Kavanaugh with the only difference being that Christine Blasey Ford escaped her attacker and falsely identified him as Kavanaugh. Donny concludes that if nothing proves the guilt of the Saudis in a week, then they must be innocent. Who’s guilty: China, Canada, the angry Democratic mob, horseface Daniels, or perhaps a four hundred pound man sitting in a hotel room somewhere in Istanbul? In any case, the Saudis have purchased advertisements to sponsor this episode of CSI employing many Americans involved in its production. Next week’s episode: “Finding Hillary’s Missing Emails.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.