By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — It is always a treat to come across a new idea, a way of thinking that had never occurred to me before. I don’t mean an aha reaction, which is when something happens that confirms a previously held thought. This is an oh reaction, when a new thought either contradicts an accepted one or adds a new dimension to one’s mindset. It is the latter that I came across while reading a book by Daniel Yankelovich, The Magic of Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Cooperation. (Not only is my sitting on a learning curve rewarding, I get to share the fun with my readers.)
We all know the importance of communication, but not necessarily the components which make it productive. Dialogue is a tool to enhance communication; its purpose is to seek mutual understanding. Yankelovich says, “It is a process of successful relationship building.” “The act of reaching beyond the self to relate to others in dialogue is a profound human yearning.” Instead of saying “…you or me, it is you and me.”
According to Yankelovich, people confuse the word dialogue with debate and discussion, using them interchangeably. There is a mistaken assumption that dialogue means two-sided. It is derived from two Greek words: dia meaning “show through” and logos signifying “word.” It means words and understanding flowing through participants.
The purpose of debate is to win an argument. You would never say that someone won or lost a dialogue. Debate is the opposite of dialogue; it is about winning, critiquing the other side’s position, defending one’s own views, seeking weakness in others’ positions. Dialogue is about exploring common ground, reexamining all judgements, admitting that others’ thinking can improve on one’s own, searching for strengths in others’ positions.
There is also a difference between dialogue and discussion. In discussion participants steer away from people’s innermost assumptions to avoid possible judgment. Dialogue requires being uninhibited, bringing their own assumptions into the open without the fear of being judged negatively.
Even in the best of circumstances and intentions, there are what Yankelovich calls potholes of the mind. These are ingrained habits that will prevent some people from dialoguing well. Some of these are:
- Holding back, not feeling safe enough to be truthful about one’s feelings.
- Prematurely moving to action, rushing to conclude before everyone has the opportunity to voice their opinions.
- Starting at different points, when some participants are well-versed in the topic while others are not. The difficulty is to get everyone on board in a timely manner.
- Showboating, showing off how much one knows, how smart, tough-minded, or active a player one is. Academics and politicians are the worst offenders.
- Contrarianism, the tendency for some people to advocate an opposing view as a knee-jerk reaction.
- Having a pet preoccupation. People who are obsessed with a single idea or interest cannot hear what others have to say. In most of these cases, taking the time to hear what the person impeding the dialogue has to say may quiet the intrusion.
Some narcissistic personalities must be on all the time, never running out of steam no matter how long one waits for them to be finished. They are not cut out to be engaged in dialogue. In order for dialogue to be effective, it is important for everyone to participate at their own level of comfort within reason.
For me, knowing the pitfalls of good dialogue helps me to monitor my own disruptive tendencies as well as recognize the obstructive behaviors of others. It also helps me to be more patient in listening to others, which facilitates their feeling valued.
Dialogue is the instrument that can bridge the dichotomy between facts and values. Facts are automatically categorized as knowledge, whereas values are categorized as feelings, beliefs, and convictions that get in the way of knowledge. But values are actually the combined understanding of society and need to be taken into consideration in decision-making. Values constitute an important form of knowledge; it is not second-rate knowledge or mere ventilation of feelings.
Civic virtues of mutual respect, trust, concern, neighborliness, community, love, and caring are slowly eroding as a mind-boggling flow of technological marvels, facts, and statistics take their place. Dialogue can bring forth the wisdom inherent in the collective experience. It can bind us together as communities. Dialogue enhances respect and acceptance of others. With dialogue, stereotypes melt away and are replaced by goodwill and deeper understanding.
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com