By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — We all have patterns of interacting with others; we have preferred ways of communicating, habitual ways of responding or not responding, predictable ways of dealing with conflict. Yet we are only dimly aware of how congruent we are in all our behaviors. Take a look at the following response styles. See if you can identify similar patterns you fall into and, therefore, exact some control if this is not the way you perceive yourself and wish to act. This includes you at work, at home, with friends, or out in the world. You are recognizable.
First of all, we cannot NOT communicate. We are always sending messages; even if we are just standing still, non-verbal cues are broadcast by our postures. Are we standing erect, head held high, legs slightly apart or are we leaning against a wall, slumped over?
We are always doing four things at once: we are acting (either verbally or non-verbally), we are observing the actions of others, we are reflecting on what we see, and we are responding (even a non-response is a response).
Looking at the person talking and nodding one’s heads shows interest in what that person is saying. Looking away, fiddling with one’s hair or tie shows disinterest. A vacant stare, fidgeting, and looking toward a door shows boredom and a wish to leave. The messages are clear, whether we are sending or receiving them.
There are listening styles. In the last example above, it is listening to endure. We also listen to compete by interrupting the other and telling something about ourselves, which is obviously more important than whatever the other is saying. We listen to complete by adding to their story, making it more interesting or funny. We listen to correct; we know more, we know better.
Suppose someone is complaining to you about a difficult boss. How are you most likely to respond:
- Comparing and one-upping—my boss is worse.
- Educating and advising—have you tried to…?
- Discounting—that’s nothing, at least you have a job.
- Sympathizing—oh you poor thing, this is so awful.
- Data gathering and interrogating—how often does he do this? Is there a pattern?
- Explaining away and defending—your boss must be under a lot of pressure; you should help him.
- Analyzing—have you had problems like this before with others?
Of course, it depends on the situation and what the person complaining seems to need, yet we tend to have a “modus operandi,” a usual way of responding.
Most of us take on specific roles in group situations. Some of us tend to be more task-oriented, some are more socially-oriented, and some are self-oriented. The task-oriented people suggest new ideas, provide and seek information and opinions, clarify problems, summarize and test for consensus. The more socially-oriented people help by exploring differences and reconciling disagreements, supporting and encouraging, compromising to maintain group harmony, and encouraging contributions. Those that are mostly self-oriented are really working on their own needs such as being noticed by interrupting, over-participating, attacking, deflating, or using sarcasm.
Our preferred modes of communication permeate all parts of our life—even the way we parent our children and talk to our spouses.
We also have a comfort range that we fall back on when dealing with conflict. Some of us are competitive—pursuing our own concerns first. The opposite would be accommodating—neglecting our needs to satisfy those of others. When we compromise, we attempt to partially satisfy both ourselves and others. Avoiding is not addressing the issue. And, finally, we may attempt to collaborate—satisfying both parties.
The most effective mode of interaction is what I call a situational response; what I mean by this is the ability to change one’s response according to the person, issue, prevailing mood, time, locale, and other variables. This requires being in touch with one’s feelings about the message as well as one’s feelings about the person and his/her needs. We tend to be stuck in comfort zones we rely on and respond in familiar ways. But it is best to have a multitude of tools available to use appropriately. Unfortunately, it is often only when our habitual mode of interaction becomes unsuitable that we are willing to try novel behaviors which at first might feel uncomfortable, but will add to our repertoire. As you identify your most common ways of interacting, see if you can try different tactics and check if the result is an improvement in your communication outcomes.
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© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com