The Year in Review
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−January/February: The San Diego Jewish World was on a publishing hiatus during these months.
March
Betsy Devos released a music video to support Donald Trump’s plan to arm teachers:
School days, school days, they have become such cruel days.
‘Reading and ‘riting and shoot to kill, collateral damage in training drills
We’ve got to focus on marksmanship.
Gripping the triggers with fingertips.
The ABC’s must give to lesson plans from the NRA.
President Trump toured the prototypes for his Southern border wall this week. If these walls could speak, they would have advised the President that they were too expensive, Mexico wouldn’t pay to build them, and they wouldn’t stop people from entering the United States illegally, but they remained silent because it would have been like talking to a wall.
April
President Trump was outraged that Scott Pruitt paid $50 a night for an apartment in Washington D.C. that is owned by a lobbyist for the energy industry. As a hotel owner, Trump was angry that the price was so low for political favors from his administration.
To counteract bad publicity for calling the police to arrest two African American customers, Starbucks will close its stores for one day of racial sensitivity training for its staff and discontinue its Blond roast line of coffee.
May
Rapper Kanye West told TMZ hosts, “When you hear about slavery for 400 years … For 400 years? That sounds like a choice.” Alt-Right historians agree. Slaves chose to wear chains and shackles to accessorize. They booked the Middle Passage as luxury cruises to cross the ocean and tour Southern port cities. Plantations were Five-Scar resorts with meager meals and physical workouts as inclusions. Since slaves were sexually kinky, they loved being whipped.
President Trump has dubbed the FBI planting a mole in his campaign “Spy Gate.” The Democrats should brand his scandals with similar catchy “Gate” names. Daughter Gate: hiring Ivanka and Jared to be top level advisers; Hate Gate: stoking bigotry against immigrants and Muslims; Kickback Gate, so much easier to remember than the word emoluments; Mandate Gate, claiming he won big when losing the popular vote by 3,000,000 votes; Mate Gate: paying hush money to silence women with whom he’s had sex other than Melania; Slaughter Gate: reneging on promises of gun regulation reform in deference to the NRA; Water Gate, appointing Scott Pruitt to head the EPA.
June
Rap Master Donnie Releases His New Hip-Hop Song, “Nero Toleranz” with beats provided by semi-automatic rifle shots and clanging fence doors:
“They claim they’re coming for asylum.
Kids in tow, we should revile them.
Illegal entry, ICE can profile them.
If they know phone numbers, don’t let them dial them.
Separate parents, quickly exile them.
When my base sees this, it will rile them.
I won’t shed tears, I’ll crocodile them.
Reunite families I’ll Nisei them.
In empty Atlantic City casinos to stockpile them.
Or copy North Korean camp style then.
By confining adults and juveniles then.
Nero Toleranz is Fox News worthwhile then.”
Given the criticism leveled at the Red Hen Restaurant for refusing to serve Sarah Huckabee Sanders, here’s a more civil way the waiter could have handled it.
SRH: I have reservations under the name Huckabee Sanders. Can we be seated?
W: I have reservations too, but I’ll seat your party anyway. Could I start you with a drink?
SRH: I’m no longer allowed to order mojitos, but I’d love a White Russian. Hold the Kahlua; I don’t want to add the trade deficit with Mexico. Go heavy on the vodka; I’ve got to practice for the upcoming summit. Are there any specials tonight?
W: I haven’t consulted with the chef, so I can’t give you an answer.
SRH: I’ll have a Caesar salad.
W: Of course. Yelling back to the kitchen, “Wouldn’t you know it? Huckabee Sanders wants to honor the memory of an emperor!”
SRH: Do you have any veal dishes?
W: No, we stopped serving veal because we objected to separating calves from their mothers.
SRH: Then I’ll have the sirloin steak, rare.
W: We’re all out of red meat because your boss tossed all of it to his base.
SRH: I’ll have the Southern fried chicken.
W: White meat, I assume?
SRH: Yes. What about desserts?
W: The Baked Alaska is not only tasty, but metaphorical for climate change deniers. If you like, we can put some sweet crude on it too. But you probably have enough crudity at your job.
SRH: Was that meant to be an insult?
W: No, only a statement of fact.
July
When I get exasperated about the President and policies, I invent words.
Auldlangiety: Fear that the complexions of the citizenry aren’t as light as they used to be.
Dibromacy: Negotiating concessions only with authoritarian alpha males.
Dispencesation: When things get so bad that the idea of Mike Pence being President sounds OK.
Giulienne: Slicing the truth so thin that it is reduced to baloney.
Mullify: Discrediting the Special Council and his investigation.
NOTO: Political dyslexia that renders one unable to distinguish between allies and enemies.
Transcript of Closed Meeting between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin in Helsinki:
Trump: I’m under political pressure to demand the extradition of the Russians indicted by Robert Mueller, but let’s make a deal. You release them to the United Kingdom, and the Ecuadorian Embassy will grant them asylum. Julian Assange deserves some company. In return I’ll issue a posthumous pardon for Ethel and Julius Rosenberg.
Putin: Whatever I can do for you Donald. You know I supported you. When no one is around, I wear my MAGA cap. The English great translates into gullible in Russian. You know the scenic Crimea would be a splendid place to locate a resort. A Trump Tower would be too obvious, but a Tiffany Tower would insulate you from charges of a conflict of interest as well as give your other daughter something to do. Likewise, once we defeat ISIS in Syria, there will be opportunities in real estate development and plenty of holes for golf courses.
August
Once upon a time, there lived a pod of whales who ruled the coastal waters of the United States. The obese white whale leading the Pod referred to himself as PODUS. He had the largest round blowhole out of which he constantly spouted grandiose schemes, insults, lies, and polluted water. He promised other white whales he would defend American shores from black Orcas and the gray whales that birthed in the lagoons of Baja, Mexico before swimming north with their calves. He charged this latter group with chain migration. To protect himself from whales of color and ordinary fish, he hired a contingent of sharks to eat or intimidate them. Since PODUS was not monogamous, he employed one shark to conceal his infidelities from his cow and his calves. This shark had been so loyal that he once had claimed he was willing to take a harpoon for his boss. When he could not silence two mermaids from revealing that PODUS had been their sperm whale too, he flipped and disclosed everything to the whale hunter Ishmueller who was intent on impaling the great white whale with the pointed truth or persuading the legislature of the terrestrial invertebrates to imbeach him. The moral of this fable is that if you swim with sharks, you’re going to get bitten in the end.
Adages for the Trump Era:
If you don’t have something nice to say about someone, don’t say anything for two days until you are pressured to say something positive you don’t really mean.
A snitch in time almost ought to be outlawed.
Late to bed, early to rise, makes a man tweet outrageous lies.
If you can’t beat them, claim the election was rigged and lock them up.
The only two sure things in life are wealth and evading taxes.
September
Brett Kavanaugh conferred with White House advisers on how to deny the charge of attempted rape. They presented him with a number of alibis employed by powerful men in similar situations and counseled him to choose one and adapt it to his circumstances.
Bill Clinton: “I did not try to have sexual relations with that woman, Mrs. Blasey Ford.”
Bill Cosby: “The fact that this allegation has been made does not make them true. I do not intend to dignify it with any comment. Did I mention I coach my daughter’s basketball team?”
Harvey Weinstein: “I came of age in the 80’s, when all the rules about behavior at parties were different. That was the culture then. I have since learned it’s not an excuse, though I’m not at liberty to say how I would rule on a case about date rape since that is a hypothetical question.”
To counter Bob Woodward’s new book Fear: Trump in the White House, members of the Trump administration have published a book challenging Woodward’s accounts of what they allegedly said about the president. Here are some excerpts:
James Mattis: Since I know the president has more than a first-class understanding of complex issues, I asserted that his intellect is fifth or sixth class. Trump never ordered me to assassinate Bashar al-Assad because he always arranged hits on his enemies through Michael Cohen.
John Kelly: I never called the president an idiot, but I did tell Woodward that he often spoke in Queens’ idioms. Like all fake news reporters, Woodward just wanted to make the president look bad by altering the last letter of idiom.
John Dowd: After Trump flawlessly answered all the questions Mueller might pose to him in our mock interview, I told him we should relax and watch some television. I suggested the latest episode of “Orange is the New Black” and Trump quipped, “I hope my orange complexion never turns black.” We had a good laugh and reminisced about Charlottesville.
October
Rogues Killed Khashoggi (Tune: I Shot the Sheriff)
Rogues killed Khashoggi, but you know it was an accident.
Rogues killed Khashoggi when he became intransigent.
Fifteen were sent to interrogate.
But he resisted and things escalate.
It did not go as required.
All of a sudden he had expired.
I’m MBS and I say:
Rogues killed Khashoggi, but they swear it was in self-defense.
Rogues killed Khashoggi, and they refer to him in the past tense.
He criticized and broke the law.
That’s why they brought a bone saw.
They knew he was a US resident.
We’ll return his parts after dismemberment.
Rogues killed Khashoggi, but you know it was accident.
We buy your weapons, and the silence of your President.
Why the Jewish Community of Pittsburgh Did Not Want President Trump to Attend the Funerals of the Victims of the Tree of Life Massacre:
It expected that he would toss out boxes of Kleenex to the mourners.
It suspected that he intended to recruit minions rather than join a minyan.
It feared that he believes the El Maleh Rahamim is a kind of Mexican sauce.
November
Trump Speak: “Discount” means invalidate absentee and provisional ballots cast in predominantly Democratic precincts.
“Very close to complete victory” means Republicans won the Senate despite receiving 12,000,000 less votes than the Democrats and lost 40 seats to the Democrats in the House.
“Accosted” means CNN correspondent Jim Acosta brutally beat a White House intern within an inch of her life.
“Unwhitakeringly” means I had no idea that Matthew G. Whitaker had denounced the Mueller Investigation before I appointed him.
This week a television advertising campaign started to run on Fox News for Trumpy Bear, a stuffed Grizzly bear who sports a Donald Trump hairpiece and contains an American flag inside his zippered pouch. But this is no toy! After touring the sites of the California wildfires, President Trump requested the resignation of Smokey the Bear as the spokes animal for the U.S. Forest Service and appointed Trumpy as his replacement. The President explained that he had taken the step because Smokey migrated illegally from Canada and refuses to wear a MAGA hat. Smokey has subsequently been deported to Saudi Arabia. Trumpy’s first public service announcement features him holding a rake and saying, “Only rakes can prevent forest fires.” Trumpy then displays a map of Finland colored primarily in green where forests flourish with only a few spots of red indicating where forests have burnt down. He compares this to a map of California engulfed in red even through Democrats dominated the midterm Congressional and Gubernatorial elections. Trumpy doubts the California forest fires are caused by global warning, protracted drought, and high winds. Instead, he blames Californians for not raking leaves or clearing brush like they do in Finland whose climate and topography he claims are just like California’s. Even better from Trumpy’s perspective is that Finland is located next to Russia.
December
Application Letters for Chief of Staff Position:
Dear President Trump,
I can run circles around the Congress. If there are women from your past trying to sully your reputation, I know how to deal with them. I have extensive experience in vetting lawyers who could exonerate you even if you killed someone in Times Square. I’ll handle the Fake News. If there’s no freedom of speech, they can’t impeach. And if worse comes to worst, I can prepare you for life in prison.
Yours truly,
O.J. Simpson
Dear President Trump,
I have this plan of building a moat around the White House with a drawbridge. I’m skilled at closing bridges when it is politically expedient. Since I helped you get elected, I deserve some payback. Besides, we could binge together on junk food.
Yours truly,
Chris Christie
Bob Mueller Is Bringing You Down (Tune: Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
O! You better watch out!
You better not lie.
Stop tweeting a lot.
I’m telling you why
Bob Mueller is bringing you down.
He’s made a list
They’ve testified.
Admit they colluded
It can’t be denied.
Bob Mueller is bringing you down.
He knows how you made payoffs,
He’s used to all your screeds.
He knows of Russian contacts
To assist you to succeed.
O! You better watch out!
You better not lie.
Stop tweeting a lot.
I’m telling you why
Bob Mueller is bringing you down.
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.