The Uncensored State of the Union Address
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−For the most part, President Trump read off the teleprompter yesterday, but there were zingers he wanted to add to parts of the State of the Union Speech that his advisors told him to omit. Here they are.
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“If there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. It just doesn’t work that way. In other words, drop Mueller, or I’ll get crueler.”
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“Great nations do not fight endless wars like in Afghanistan. Instead, we start new ones against Iran and Venezuela.”
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“I know that Congress is eager to pass an infrastructure bill, and I am eager to work with you on legislation to deliver new and important infrastructure investment, like for the border wall, interstate highways to my resorts, and the Trump Tower Moscow which will be manufactured here and shipped there.”
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“When I took office, ISIS controlled more than 20,000 square miles in Iraq and Syria. Just two years ago. Today, we have liberated virtually all of the territory from the grip of these bloodthirsty monsters. Moreover, ISIS has withdrawn all their soldiers and weapons and redeployed them among the caravans planning to storm our borders. Don’t let those serapes fool you; they are really prayer rugs with a hole cut out for their heads.”
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“I will call on Congress to allocate $500 million over the next 10 years to fund research on childhood cancer. This makes me sound like I’m a compassionate humanitarian, but compared to the over 5 billion I’ve demanded for a wall and $716 billion for the Defense Budget, its bubkis.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.