By Eric George Tauber
SAN DIEGO — In the wake of the most recent school shootings have come all the usual cries for more “sensible” gun laws such as mandatory background checks and bans on civilian ownership of military-style assault weapons. Blah, blah, blah.
Dead kids aside, we as a country need to focus on the real issue: my rights as an American citizen to keep and bear arms which SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED. No, I’m not part of any “well-regulated militia,” but that’s not the important part. What’s important is protecting my rights enshrined in our sacred Constitution to maintain a private arsenal. It’s a right as sacrosanct as the free practice of religion. (Preferably a Western one that doesn’t involve any kind of head scarves or “weird ideas.” I like my creeds rooted in solid European reason like a literal six-day creation, female subservience and the complete rejection of “sciences” like evolution, vaccination and climate change. Those “scientific” notions conflict with my deeply held beliefs and must therefore be wrong. And any book that says I can’t clog my arteries with as much bacon as I can grill is just wrong-headed.)
Those are my rights as an American citizen. And by “American” of course I mean white, straight, cis-gendered, rural, right-thinking, church-going conservative. That should go without saying. But nowadays, it needs to be spelled out, especially to elite college liberal-types who are just too dumb to already know that.
Sure, the Democrats SAY they only want a few restrictions to make the public safer. Sure, they SAY that they’re not after ALL gun owners, just the crazy ones and terrorists. And they SAY that they don’t want to ban ALL guns, just the ones that can kill masses of people in seconds and liquefy bones. But that’s just the start of the slippery slope. If I let them take my AR-15 today, tomorrow, they’ll be coming after my bazooka.
Now how’s a man supposed to enjoy a nice quiet fishing trip without his hand grenades? Simultaneously killing and cooking them is a real time saver.
It’s a statistical fact that the vast majority of tank drivers are the safest you’ll ever meet. How many rush hour pile ups are caused by tanks? None. So there you go.
The day I can’t leisurely fire an anti-aircraft gun from the privacy of my own back yard, what’s this country coming to?
We need all of our guns to protect our rights and freedoms. A well-armed civilian populace is precisely what prevents this great nation from falling into the clutches of tyranny. Without us, we could have ourselves a self-aggrandizing despot who wants to be president-for-life frittering away our tax dollars on golfing trips and floozies and we couldn’t do anything about it.
Without our guns, the big, bad government (which we detest) could send our valiant men and women in uniform (whom we revere) to take them away. But don’t you worry. If a bunch of young, well-trained and fully equipped soldiers do come to take our precious guns away, a battalion of middle-aged, overweight, right-thinking, beer-guzzling Americans will bravely stand their ground.
But if another liberal lefty like Obama (who’s really a Muslim) or Clinton (who’s one of those pernicious Wall Street commies) gets into office with seductive promises of affordable college and healthcare, that will be the end of freedom. First they’ll take our guns. Then they’ll make it illegal to say “Merry Christmas.” It will even become a crime to shout, “Go back where you came from, you dag-blamed foreigner!” to total strangers on the street.
And before you know it, we’ll all be speaking Spanish, wearing hijabs, marrying transgender illegals, and going vegan.
Out of my cold dead hands!
Disclaimer: If you haven’t guessed by now, this rant is not a true reflection of my views, but a satirical collection of the most extreme positions that have sadly become part of our national discourse. Hunting is part of our culture and I actually enjoy the taste of free-range duck and deer. There are also valid reasons for homeowners to possess firearms. But we don’t give civilians access to bazookas, hand grenades, tanks and so forth.
Military grade weapons like the AR-15 – the weapon of choice in mass shootings — have no civilian purpose. Bambi would be liquified and the only justifiable self-defense scenario would be a zombie apocalypse.
And if you really believe such firepower will protect you from the tyranny of your own government, ask the Branch Davidians of Waco, Texas how well that worked out for them.
If we want to live in a safer environment, we simply have to take steps to keep the most devastating firearms out of the hands of minors, the mentally unstable, those with criminal records, and those on the no-fly list. As a nation, we should realize by now that thoughts and prayers are just not working for us.
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Tauber is a freelance writer based in San Diego. He may be contacted via eric.tauber@sdjewishworld.com