Humoring the headlines: July 4, 2019

Presidential Patriotic Songs for the 4^th of July

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−Donald Trump knew that most people didn’t want him to politicize his 4^th of July address at the Lincoln Memorial.  Instead, he planned to change the lyrics to a number of the patriotic songs that will be sung at his “Salute to America.”

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Don Bless America (melody: God Bless America) 

Don bless America
Land that I rule.
DOW is higher; it’s on fire.
My tax cuts prove I’m no fool.

From my hotels, to my buildings
To my golf clubs, green with grass.
Don bless America’s
Wealthiest class.
Don bless America’s
Wealthiest class.

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America the Biblical (melody: American the Beautiful)

So  Biblical is America
Like Eden before sin.
To impress Evangelicals
I put these lyrics in.
America! America!
Should be just like a fort.
Don’t treat aliens like homo sapiens.
Detain them and deport.

How murderous for fetuses
Women cannot decide.
Life begins in the womb.
Abortion’s infanticide.
America! America!
Being gay is an offence.
Confirm thy fate by being straight.
Do it for Mike Pence.

Barr Strangled Banner (melody: Star Spangled Banner)       

O say should you believe the Special Counsel’s report?
That Bill Barr summarized as exoneration.
Despite the lies and witch hunt, no collusion was found.
With Putin no less, who loves our nation.
The fake press’s headlines, about evil designs,
Gave proof over time that our President’s honest.
O say does that Barr strangled banner yet wave
O’er the partisan swamp and the home of the knave?

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.