By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Jewish industrialists friendly to President Trump and his administration are developing a complex plan to encourage thousands of Americans to “go back where they came from.”
According to sources who asked not be identified because of the sensitivity of the project, the plan is to take a “softer” approach to encourage less-then-desirable U.S. residents to return to their, or their parents’ and grandparents’ countries of origin.
To a reporter’s comment, “Then they’ll be going back voluntarily?” a spokesman replied, “Voluntarily shmoluntarily, the point is they’ll be going back.”
The plan features very low-cost passage on private and commercial airliners or luxury cruise ships, depending on the destination. But only one-way passage will be offered. If, at the end of six months, the individual can prove he or she has no intention of trying to return to the United States, the sponsoring group will pay the deportee “substantial” prize money, in the currency of the country of supposed origin.
To qualify for any part of the program, passengers will have to surrender their U.S. passports.
Asked whether President Trump had been advised of the plan, the spokesman said, “Not only was he advised about it, but he wholeheartedly encouraged it. With all he has on his plate, he took the time to give his endorsement. We’re so lucky to have him.”
The projected initiative will feature what the spokesman called “first-class treatment” and will incorporate “authentic music, opulent meals. and even traditional clothing” of the destination country.
For example, on a ship headed for Italy, brisket will be accompanied by pasta; an opera star (on a recording, if not in person) will sing “Return to Sorrento;” others will see the “Rain in Span” segment of My Fair Lady and the libretto from Carmen, while heading to that nation; “Guadalajara” en route to Mexico; and Viennese waltzes on the way to Austria. For other destinations, there’ll be a lot of rice and appropriate musical selections.
In addition, passengers headed for various ports of call will be able to purchase replicas of either Gucci outfits or traditional peasant clothing,
Live music, depending on destination, will be by mariachi or oompah bands, for example.
Popular films will also be shown, such as Sound of Music for Austria-bound passengers. For Italy-bound passengers, a DVD of the I Love Lucy episode, in which Lucy is one of the women stomping grapes for wine.
A prominent public relations firm, renowned for representing Borscht Belt comics, has been engaged to hire stand-up comedians who will perform in the language of the destination country.
There will be casino games involving slot machines, and such brain-teasers as “Jeopardy” (in the language of the country).
Also scheduled are five- or six-day classes for Americans to bone up on the native language and customs of where they’re headed.
The names of the participants are thus far closely held secrets, but it’s believed Sheldon Adelson is among the principals. And, since she holds no government position, and thus would not violate any federal provision, the president’s “other daughter” has been named “Honorary International Hostess.”
As for the name of the project, many were suggested, and turned down.
The group considered Gay Tzoorik (go back), but it was discarded over concerns it might be misinterpreted as limited to gay males. Su Casa was turned down because it was too reminiscent of litigation. And “Go Back Where You Came From” too harsh in comparison to the gentler tone of the current project. So, temporarily at least, the working title is Home at Last.
As far as funding the project is concerned, the industrialists were willing to underwrite the transportation, entertainment, food and reward costs, but not the huge fees that some of the host countries were requiring. So they appealed to President Trump, who said he’d like to allocate funds from his Defense budget.
Is it legal to take money allocated to Federal program? “My attorney general is looking into it. We’ll see,” he said.
When a correspondent mentioned that some felt the president’s earlier decision to send immigrants “back where they came from” was “racist,” the president declared; “I’m the least racist president we’ve ever had. Even George Washington had slaves. And crooked Hillary…”
The correspondent interrupted, “Sir, Hillary Clinton was never president.”
President Trump reddened for a moment, then smiled and said, “Sometimes you fake news guys get it right.”
As to the gentler approach taken in the projected program, the spokesperson said: “You can always catch more flies with a glass of Manishewitz than a spoonful of castor oil.”
Who could argue with such logic?
And for such a worthy cause!
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For those unfamiliar with satirist Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” column, it is indeed satire, and nothing should be taken seriously.