Robert De Niro Replaces Robert Mueller as Do-Over Hearing
By Lawrence Baron
SAN DIEGO−Political pundits hoped that since most Americans have not read the Mueller Report, the only way to capture their attention was for Mueller to testify before Congress on television. Since Mueller turned out to be a rather bumbling witness, House Democrats have subpoenaed Robert De Niro to reprise his Saturday Night Live portrayal of Mueller and add some drama to Mueller’s answers by citing relevant lines from his films.
Republican Representative: Mr. Mueller, isn’t it true that you have many conflicts of interest regarding the President and hired a staff of partisan Democrats to conduct a witch hunt?
De Niro as Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver: “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the f**k do you think you’re talking to?”
Democratic Representative: You indicated in your report that the President dangled pardons to witnesses like Cohen, Flynn, and Manafort and warned them against flipping. Do you know exactly what he suggested to them.
De Niro as James Conway in Goodfellas: “You took your first pinch like a man and you learn two great things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”
Democratic Representative: Can you recall the exact order the President gave to Don McGahn about firing you and why McGahn believed it would be illegal to carry out?
De Niro as Al Capone in The Untouchables: “I want you to get this f**k where he breathes! I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground. I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna piss on his ashes!”
Republican Representative: Your report exonerated the President of conspiring with Russia to interfere in the 2016 elections in favor of Trump. Why are you so fixated on this hoax about alleged Russian hacking, social media posting, and voting machine probes?
De Niro as Conrad Brean in Wag the Dog: You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future, and if you’re not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. And you’re gonna be out in the street. And you can call this a “drill,” or you can call it “job security,” or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, “Go to war to protect your Way of Life,” well, this is your way of life. Isn’t it? And if there ain’t no war, then you, my friend, can go home and prematurely take up golf.”
Democratic Representative: What intercepted statement by Donald Trump first led you to believe he was guilty of obstructing justice?
De Niro as Ace Rothstein from Casino: “Back home, they would have put me in jail for what I’m doing. Here, they’re giving me awards.”
Jerry Nadler: I know you do not like the limelight and did not want to testify today. What changed your mind?
De Niro as Rupert Pupkin in The King of Comedy: “The fact is . . . I’m here. Tomorrow you’ll know I wasn’t kidding, and you’ll think I was crazy. But I figured it this way: better to be king for a day than a schmuck for a lifetime!”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.