Hounding the headlines: July 26, 2019

Feminist Bitch

By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron

Elona Baron

SAN DIEGO−You probably are wondering why I am referring to myself in such a derogatory way.  This illustrates the problem!  I am a female dog, but another meaning of bitch is “an unkind or unpleasant woman.” So why do humans always call female dogs bitches, but constantly bolster the egos of male dogs by assuring them that they’re “good boys.”  It’s just pure and simple sexism.  Discrimination against bitches has made me a feminist.

It begins with freedom of choice.  When I was homeless, I was humped by a male dog against my will.  Although I was too young to have puppies, I couldn’t find a veterinary abortion clinic.  Why was there no Planned Poochhood for a poor pregnant bitch like me?  After giving birth to a litter of three, I was caught and put in a shelter.  Without my consent, I was “fixed.”  I couldn’t afford to hire a lawyer to argue my case on the basis of the precedent set in No vs. Spayed.

Then there’s the matter of discrimination in dog shows?  Males have won the Best in Show Award at the Westminster Kennel Club nearly twice as many times as females.  The reason is tied to reproductive freedom.  Once a bitch has a litter, she is typically withdrawn from dog shows.  Males continue to compete after they become studs.  Owners worry that bitches may go into heat during shows making them “too moody” to exhibit.  I may be a dumb mongrel, but these rationales remind me of those cited against women presidential candidates.

Every time I go on a walk I realize how disadvantaged bitches are.  Male dogs pee on fire hydrants, telephone poles, and trees.  No one complains about this behavior.  Female dogs can’t lift a hind leg to do the same.  So we lower our butts and pee on lawns.  Then the neighbors yell at us for ruining their grass.  Why can’t accessible horizontal fire hydrants be built or telephone cable be laid on the ground so we can relieve ourselves without angering anybody?

The casting of dog movies in the media poses a problem too.  There was a time when female dogs like Cleo and Lassie starred on television series.  Even back then, female dogs were stereotyped.  In Lady and the Tramp, Lady is portrayed as a pampered pedigree princess; whereas Tramp is the strong streetwise mutt.  Look at the testosterone talent that dominates recent films and television like the mumbling mutt Scooby-Doo, Marley in Marley and Me, Baily in A Dog’s Journey and A Dog’s Purpose, and Max and Duke in The Secret Life of Pets.  Terri in A Dog’s Way Home is the exception that proves the rule.

Thus, I have founded a new organization: BOW-Bitches Oppose Wrongs.  When we ally ourselves with NOW, nothing can stop us.  Sisterhood is powerful even across species.

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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron.  The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.