By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump would like the High Holy days and other Jewish religious holidays to be observed earlier in 2020 than in their usual season, and is taking steps to implement his idea.
In a series of tweets just leaked, he gave two reasons for urging a change: to prevent the holidays from occurring so close to one another that each can’t be fully enjoyed…and to keep the fall of 2020 clear for last-minute campaigning.
Here are excerpts of his tweets on the subject:
“Just finishing a summer work-vacation, which has involved so much work that it was hardly a vacation. Managed to play golf only a few times, but when I did, I was incredible.
“Spent most of my time dealing with such big issues as the fall-out from the Mississippi ICE raid that swept out hundreds of illegals, without telling their kids (boo-hoo) beforehand.
“Also, the questions from the corrupt media about why the employers of those illegals have not been charged. And – can you believe it? – what about the undocumented workers employed at Trump properties? I can assure you that, if they were, I knew nothing about it.
“Then, I convinced Wayne that Mitch wouldn’t let any gun-control bill pass that would disturb the NRA. After that, I had to deal with those unbelievable, invented charges that I’m a white supremacist. Even those invaders from disaster countries know I’m the least racist person in the world.
“Next, I had to make sure my appointee to be Director of National Intelligence doesn’t have any questionable background, at least anything the corrupt Dim senators can make a case out of.
“Another big concern, the Epstein suicide. I hardly knew the man, certainly never was a fan.
“Being President is no box of Big Macs, I can assure you.
“Once I finished with those issues, another caught my attention – the fact that Jews celebrate a bunch of religious holidays right smack up against one another, something like seven of them in a space of about four weeks. Don’t see how they can enjoy any one of them (if ‘enjoy’ is the right word for fasting more than 24 hours).
“Also, if those holidays were to take place at their usual time next year, the could interfere with last-minute campaigning in the Presidential election.
“Not that I’ll need to campaign by then. I’ll be so far ahead of anyone the Dims nominate – whether it’s Sleepy Joe or Pocahontas, old Bernie or the woman whose first name sounds like a Middle Eastern animal (Kamala), or any of the young radicals – it won’t be a contest. But it’s always good to be extra safe in case they try to rig the election..
“So I called in my Acting Director of the National Calendar, Al Mnack (Steve Mnuchin reminded me of what a great mname (sic) that is for the guy in charge of the U.S. datebook). I said we should do something about the dates of next year’s Jewish holidays.”
“’I agree,’ Al said. (He always agrees with me, which is one reason I like him so much).
“Without waiting a second, I said, ‘We have to change those holidays in 2020 to a much earlier time in the year – say schedule the Jewish new year close to the “real” new year, maybe early January. Then we could have a big ball, a great celebration that would raise funds for my inaugural parade.
“After that, we’d give them some space until the day the Jews fast, and then those other holidays.
“Then I told Al Mnac, ‘get on the stick, and reach out to the Jewish influentials and get those changes made. I’ll call in Bibi to help, if necessary. But get them done, for next year. After that, I don’t give a flying gefilte fish when they take place.’”
His business done, the president went back to his golf game.
All of it, one might say, par for the course.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that it is strictly satire, and nothing herein should be taken seriously.