‘Just Kidding’: Trump sets sights on Israeli property

By Joel H. Cohen
Joel H. Cohen

NEW YORK — Cheered by the media attention accorded his recent proposal to buy Greenland from Denmark, President Trump has now set his sights on the United States purchasing a city or landmark in Israel.

His comment about wanting to purchase Greenland may have been offered in jest, but it was treated as serious, by both those who liked the idea and others who scoffed at it. And he has repeated that he meant what he said.

Why he has now focused on Israel, Trump confided to intimates, is mainly because of the continuing allegiance to him of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu. “Bibi has been one of my most loyal friends,” Trump observed, “and he never lets me down. At least so far.”

That loyalty was evidenced most recently by Netanyahu’s support of Trump’s recommendation to bar two young U.S. congresswomen from visiting Israel because of their criticism of that nation. One of those first-year representatives was later allowed to enter in order to visit her grandmother, but the congresswoman rejected the offer.

To  pursue the possibility of acquiring an Israeli city or landmark, and work out details, the president has appointed a special commission.  Headed by attorney Alan Dershowitz, it includes son-in-law Jared Kushner,  Larry Kudlow, Director of the U.S. Economic Council, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, and the young controversial newsmaker Trump describes as “my boy, honorary son, Stephen ‘Killer’ Miller, who’s been getting more attention from the crooked media than even me – but that’s okay.”

Among the possibilities being explored: Dan, the northernmost Israeli locale, but the president was concerned that it would automatically be renamed “Don” in his honor, “And, as you know, I always avoid the spotlight,” he said.

Other Israeli potential purchase targets include Masada, “an ideal spot for a Trump property.” When some say you can’t mess with something with such history, Trump says, “that only enhances the property value.”

Other possible sites: the Dead Sea, “where bad golfers can hit and lose countless balls” …the Golan Heights, “where we could build a magnificent resort like Mar-a-Lago. Maybe give it a Middle Eastern name like The Chic Sheik,”…Mount Hermon, “imagine skiing in a desert country?”….     Tel Aviv, “a swinging city that attracts the  hip young Israelis” and Jerusalem —“with its great, though crumbling, wall…and you know what a great fan of walls I am.”

“Of course,” he added, “we’d have to figure how what we choose affects Bibi’s chances for reelection. But I can see the shekels rolling in for us, whatever site we choose. And making something part of the U.S.A. would do wonders for the region.”

When Ivanka told her father about two important precedents – Thomas Jefferson’s Louisiana Purchase from France and Secretary of State Seward’s purchase of Alaska from Russia when Andrew Johnson was president, President Trump said, “I could have made much better deals. But, of course, their names weren’t Trump.”

He said he was having “my attorney general look into the legal ins and outs of buying part of another country’s territory and what cabinet department’s budget any expenditure should come out of.”

One possibility, which would eliminate the need for any expenditure on the part of the United States, would be to trade something of ours for the Israeli territory, perhaps “give up Puerto Rico or Mississippi, both worthless to us.”

The president seemed to mean what he said about offering to buy Greenland.

But when it involved Israel, was Trump really serious —  or “just kibbutzing?’’

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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured they are satire, and nothing therein should be taken seriously.