‘Just Kidding’: An Israeli for U.S. National Security Advisor?

 
Joel H. Cohen

NEW YORK — As President Trump began the search for a National Security Advisor to replace John Bolton, who either resigned of his own volition or was fired (in either case, he’s out), there were several startling reports:

 
First, that both Vice President Pence and Secretary of State Pompeo were being treated for similar back and disc injuries at the same orthopedist’s office on the same day
 
The cause of the injuries to both men? According to eyewitnesses, who asked not to be named for obvious reasons, the two had engaged in a pushing match trying to be the first to pledge loyalty to the commander-in-chief by kissing his ring. (The injuries are not expected to prevent either official from future displays of their loyalty to, and affection for, the president.)
 
Accounts of the pushing incident, which reportedly took place just outside the Oval Office, were vehemently denied by the acting press secretary. But witnesses stood by the story.
 
Another startling development related to the replacement of Bolton: strong reports that the president was considering the  young firebrand Stephen Miller, presidential speech writer and senior policy advisor, for the national security job.  “He’s talented enough to be incredible at both, but I don’t want to overtax the incredible kid…” Trump commented.
 
”So is Mike Pompeo, my Secretary of State. But I want them to concentrate full-time on their main assignments. Same thing with Ivanka, She’d be sensational, but she’s got more than enough to do.”
 
What seems plausible is the report that Trump is looking overseas – primarily Israel – for the National Security Advisor opening.…
 
“I first thought of picking a Russian…among our many, many friends there, starting with Vladi, but the fake media would eat me up alive. They’re already raking my friendships there over the coals.
 
“So I’m looking elsewhere,all over the world, and, trust me, I remembered —  I have so much information to remember, but I’m a very stable genius. So I remembered that people born in Israel are called sabers. Now that tells you something: if you’re named for a sword, you’re a born fighter, and that”s the sort of person we need.”
 
(When Jared said,”Respectfully, sir, I believe the Hebrew word for a native-born Israeli is ‘sabra’,” Trump  replied, “What’s your point?”)
 
“By the way,” the president continued, “for the benefit of you fake news people, who would surely bring up the question of citizenship, a foreigner can be declared an honorary U.S. citizen by an act of Congress  — not that I’d count on that lazy group of do-nothings — or by a presidential proclamation. And, I can tell you, no president has ever been as good at issuing proclamations as I am.
 
“Also, I don’t mind telling you, I’d consider a woman for the job. Women can be mighty tough, believe me, and loyal. And those are the qualities I need most from the person I pick.”
 
“They’re not only tough, but smart and beautiful  I won’t lie to  you, those are qualities I truly admire, especially  in women.
 
“There are so many qualified men and women just dying for a chance at this job, but it’s got to be someone extra-special… someone who’s exceptionally smart and worldly wise like me, who’s not afraid to give an opinion (providing it’s the same as mine). Looking good on TV doesn’t hurt, either.”
 
He thought a moment, then exclaimed: “I’ve got the perfect candidate to appoint — someone with all these qualities… in spades.
 
“Me!”
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are satire and should not be taken seriously.