NEW YORK — Like most Americans, President Trump learned only recently that before Volodymyr Zelensky became the President of Ukraine, he was a professional comedian.
And not just a comedian – but a Jewish comedian.
So, with visions of lox and gefilte fish and brisket dancing in his head, Trump is planning to appeal to Zelensky as one jokester to another, in order to convince him to get politically damaging dirt on former U.S. Vice President Joe Biden and his son, Hunter.
“As you all well know,” Trump confided to family and favorite cabinet members, “I’m a very serious guy. Have to be, with all the responsibilities I have – shutting down our southern border, keeping foreign kids where they belong, etc., etc.
“But I also have an incredible sense of humor,” he said, guffawing for an instant at something funny that passed though his mind.
“I can do unbelievable Catskill Mountains kind of humor,” he boasted. “For instance, take my wives – please.
“Hilarious, right? See, Henry somebody used to say that, and audiences would go wild. But he was talking about just one wife. I’ve had three. How funny is that?”
(Noticing that his wife, Melania, was frowning, he said to her, “Just an American way of joking. I’m just having fun.”)
Trump was encouraged in his joke-telling by the reaction of members of his audience of intimates, namely daughter Ivanka, Vice President Mike Pence and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. So he offered another old favorite: “A woman gives her son-in-law two ties, and the next time they’re together, he makes sure he wears one of them. ‘What’s the matter,” his mother-in-law says, “you don’t like the other tie?’
“Hilarious, right? Probably because of the way I told it.”
The reason Trump was planning a humorous approach to gain Zelensky’s cooperation was that he was facing an impeachment inquiry in the U.S. House of Representatives over his implied or stated threat to withhold $391 million of U.S. military aid to the Ukraine unless Zelensky agreed to investigate the Bidens. Humor would be a safer, less-controversial path to the same objective.
“Even Nancy Pelosi can’t get mad at me for being hilarious with the president of Ukraine.”
Informed that Zelensky has a law degree, Trump commented. ” I could talk about law with him, but I know more about the law than lawyers and judges do. Sometimes the law stands in the way of me doing great things. But I’ve still managed to appoint some great, very great, judges.”‘
When told Zelensky had had a show business career, the president said, “I could teach him how to say “you’re fired” in Ukrainian. And then, told that Zelensky had starred in a TV show called “Servant of the People,” Trump commented, “That describes me to a capital T.”
Although the two presidents seem to have a lot in common, Trump feels the comedy route is most appealing and most likely to succeed.
For a moment, he digressed to comment about the whistle-blower-inspired impeachment investigation launched against him. “I want to know who is the person who gave the whistleblower the information? Because that’s close to a spy. You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart, right? The spies and treason, we used to handle it a little differently than we do now.”
But. again noticing how the two cabinet officials were trying to outdo each with laughter at the president’s humor, he soon got back to telling what he considered a very funny story: “A rabbi, priest and minister go into a bar, and the bartender looks up and says, “What is this– some kind of joke?”
If the two presidents start hanging out together, the joke is on us.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” column are assured that it is satire, and nothing herein should be taken seriously. What you may take seriously is Joel’s very fervent wish for you and yours “to have a great new year in every respect.”