By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−Walking around the neighborhood, I have noticed that many houses bedecked with Halloween decorations. When I see bones scattered on lawns, I wag my tail and chew on them, only to be disappointed when I discover they’re plastic! Humans, if you’re really are my best friends, go to the butcher and buy some real meat bones to scatter on your property. If you leave such a delicious treat, I will never pee or poop on your lawn.
Is trick or treat the right thing for a dog to say? We have to draw attention to ourselves because we’re too short to appear on RING cameras. I’m planning on howling for what I really want humans to give me. Which sounds better: Rabies or Rabbits; Bark or Biscuits; Growl or grub?
What kind of costume should I wear? My choice will be based on a famous dog depending on whether I want to appear kindly or scary. I’m considering Clifford, Cujo, the Hound of the Baskervilles, Lassie, Old Yeller, Rin Tin Tin, and Toto. Or I might wear a saddle and pretend I’m a Shetland pony, but then again I don’t want children jumping on me for rides.
Pumpkins frighten me. They resemble the rotund orange face of the Golden Deceiver, though I concede that they are not as seedy and their smiles are more sincere. Plus they don’t have blonde fungus growing on their lids. I am also wary of witches because it is too hard to catch and fetch flying broomsticks.
I could decide to stay at home and intimidate trick or treaters. My owners would reward me for saving them the money it would cost to buy candy and parents of the kids would be relieved that they would be spared worrying about their children suffering from diabetes in the future.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.