A dog’s view of pawlitical correctness

Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−My owners pride themselves on being progressive.  They monitor what they say to avoid offending the ethnic, gender, national, racial, or religious sensibilities of others.  So it surprises me that they’re rather insensitive when speaking about dogs.  I’m sharing this list of inappropriate canine adages and phrases to alert people to their negative connotations.

“Sick as a dog.”  Responsible owners take us to veterinarians and get us vaccinated.  We rarely are severely sick for long because if we are, humans euthanize us (which admittedly is worse than being sick).  On the other paw, they generally force fellow humans to suffer longer when they are chronically ill.

“A dog’s life.”  True for the mistreated dogs in the ASPCA commercials, but, have you seen how some owners pamper us?

“Doggy style.”  Based on the one male I’ve been intimate with, this one is pretty accurate.  Nevertheless, stop repeating it!  I want to encourage canine foreplay and sexual variety.  I lay on my back for stomach rubs to practice the missionary position.  If I have more diverse mating experiences in my life, I plan to author the “Canine Sutra.”

“If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas.”  It all depends on whether the dogs are wearing flea collars or taking anti-flea pills.  If you lie down with some humans, you may catch the flu, contract a venereal disease, or get lice.  This is more likely if they meet each other on Tinder.

“Sticks and snails and puppy dog’s tails that’s what little boys are made of.”  First of all, I can’t get the image of detached puppy dog tails out of my head.  Second of all, how many little boys like Escargot.  Finally, what ever happened to blood, bones, hair, muscles, nerves, organs, skin, and vessels?

“Let sleeping dogs lie.”  This is generally good advice, but what if it’s time to eat, go for a walk, or play in the yard?  I’d prefer any of those activities to sleeping.  I think people are confusing us with cats.

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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron.  The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.