SAN DIEGO−I avoid watching the Super Bowl where giant men butt heads and push each other down inevitably injuring each other. Frankly, I don’t understand the game. When the quarterback passes the ball to a member of his team, the receiver runs in the opposite direction from the quarterback violating all my training to retrieve balls. I’ve heard the ball is made of pigskin which offends my Jewish owners and ignores how wonderful rabbit fur feels in between my teeth. Besides, it is too big to fit into my mouth or the Chuckit! launcher.
The alternative to watching the Super Bowl is Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl, but I have reservations about it too. First of all, should puppies be recruited right out of the litter to play a professional sport on national television? NFL players have to be out of high school for three years before they are drafted. If NFL players drink Gatorade to stay hydrated, then shouldn’t the Puppy Bowl provide lactating mother dogs on the sidelines for puppies who haven’t been weaned? Do the participating puppies belong to the Screen Animals Guild and receive a fair salary rather than just some kibble and a bone? Has the government reviewed the rosters to insure that there is breed diversity? Do the organizers just pick the cute and popular breeds and discriminate against more homely breeds and mongrels?
As a two and a half year old, I feel the selection process is ageist. I’m in my prime, but over-the-hill for the Puppy Bowl. What is worse is that even for those who get to play in the Puppy Bowl there is no chance for advancement. This will be their first and last Puppy Bowl. Miss America contestants face this problem too, but at least they get awarded scholarships for their future studies. Finally, although penalties can be assessed for “unnecessary rrruff-ness” “paws interference,” and “excessive fertilization” (defecation) (but not for strained puns), the referees don’t enforce these rules rigorously. In that way, the officiating at the Puppy Bowl resembles the United States Senate.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.