SAN DIEGO−It was obvious by the detached and halting delivery of President Trump’s Oval Office speech that it was composed by someone else and read off the teleprompter. Since I am close friends with the Oval Office custodian, I obtained the draft that Trump wrote, but reluctantly tossed in the trash can. Here is the short version of it.
My fellow Americans, before I read what my advisors want me to say, you need to know that the original speech I intended to give was perfect before they tinkered with it. Given that the economy, my leadership, and America’s stature in the world are so greater than anyone has ever seen, I’m angry that the Democrats, the Deep State, and the Fake News commissioned Chinese doctors to create an alien virus to ruin the prospects for my reelection. Anticipating that this might happen is why I placed high tariffs on Chinese products in the first place. Then I brilliantly banned air travel there, and, now I want to keep those globalist Europeans from infecting us except for Anglo-Saxons from the United Kingdom. I am considering letting people of Aryan ancestry in from the continent travel here. Red-blooded Americans will still be able to go to Europe and return. Their immune systems are strong like our military under me and not vulnerable to germs transmitted from China.
I am told by the scientists at the CDC that we must cancel large gatherings. I don’t mind closing universities where the naïve minds of white Americans are poisoned by political correctness. Some sporting events involving athletes who are colored or immigrants (or even worse, both) should be cancelled too. On the other hand, NASCAR races can continue. I have a hunch that the noise of the engines and the exhaust fumes ward off the coronavirus. All Democratic political rallies should be scratched. My rallies, however, are safe because we will be distributing free MAGA hazmat suits to everyone who attends them.
Then there are basic things Americans can do in their daily lives. Don’t eat Chinese food. Don’t watch MSNBC because those scummy reporters exaggerate how bad the situation is. There is no need to wash your hands after you’ve eaten healthy foods like fried chicken, hamburgers, and tacos. Avoid vegetables: who knows who picked them?
Finally, I plan to make tests available to all Americans who buy lottery cards at my casinos and select the winning numbers that will qualify them for the tests.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
Very cleverly written as always, Laurie. I would add something about taking Trump Vitamins to ward off any potential infirmity.