SAN DIEGO−“I’ve presented him with the best data I have. I put it on charts and graphs because I know he doesn’t read. Now if I can only convince him it is not fake news.”
““If he thinks there’s nothing to lose giving Covid19 patients with hydroxychloroquine because it cures malaria, I’d like to persuade him to let me inject his vocal chords with Botox assuring him it will protect him from coronavirus because it removes wrinkles and lessens migraine pain.”
“I can’t wait to get my chance at the microphone. The longer I talk, the less time he has to contradict me and mislead the public.”
“He’s blaming the Democrats and the governors and bragging about firing the Inspector General. I wonder if he’s ever listened to the words of Michael Jackson’s ‘The Man in the Mirror?’”
“He’s pushing again for opening up America’s businesses soon. After this briefing, I’m calling my stock broker to purchase more stock in companies that manufacture coffins and ventilators.”
“Why did he let the Pillow Guy on stage? If it weren’t for the Hippocratic Oath, I’d like to take one of those pillows and smother both of them.”
“Why is he voicing his concerns about voter fraud at a pandemic briefing? I’m more concerned about presidential fraud.
“When experts on the task force recommend that everyone wear masks in public places, he goes out of his way to emphasize that this is voluntary and that he won’t wear one. If we made it mandatory, I wonder if we could persuade him to wear a gag.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.