SAN DIEGO−All professional sports in the United States and the Olympic Games in Tokyo have been cancelled. Fans are clamoring for their resumption. Medical experts have approved the following sports for an upcoming Coronavirus Olympics to be held sometime in the future.
Solitaire: If ever there was a game made for social distancing, it is solitaire. Players will be located throughout the world and connected on the same screen by Zoom.
Fencing: The equipment for fencing requires only slight modifications for it to protect the competitors. Foils and sabers must be 6 feet long and will be sterilized by autoclaves before each match. Masks will meet N95 respirator specifications.
Golf: One golfer per hole. Smart phones track strokes and monitor mulligans. No caddies.
Ski Jumping: Another event perfect for social distancing. Injured skiers will submit to temperature and coronavirus tests to determine which hospital ward they should be sent to.
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.