Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Today marks one month since Governor Newsom ordered the lockdown in California. Although the news is full of stories about how humans are coping with confinement, little attention has been paid to how having them at home 24/7 affects us dogs. I hope my diary entry fills this lacuna.
Before the pandemic, I spent most of my days sleeping anyway. I’m worried, however, that my owners don’t heed the six feet rule when having contact with me. When they come home from a trip to the grocery or pharmacy, who knows if they are carrying the virus? Yet they carelessly pet me and expect me to reciprocate by licking them before they have washed their hands. I’d prefer it they were tested for covid19 before they touched me, but the Golden Deceiver hasn’t managed to make those tests widely available yet.
On the other paw, when I go for walks, how do I know if the pavement isn’t contaminated with coronavirus? I need PPE, Pet Protective Equipment, like paw mittens made by cutting the ends of the fingers and thumbs off latex gloves. Leashes should be at least six feet long and made from a ridged material to prevent the slack from reducing the distance from my owners. After a walk, my owners should wash my paws and snout with a sanitizer, preferably chicken, fish, or meat flavored.
I know it is upsetting for them to watch too much news on television. For us, the Dow Jones Index is not the gauge of how well the country is doing. DogTV carries updates on the Bow-Bones Index of canine contentment. How can I persuade them to switch the channel to it or Animal Planet? I wouldn’t mind if they binged on Scooby Doo. Then they’d learn that without Scooby, those pathetic kids are incapable of solving mysteries. I plan to suggest to the producers of the show that Scooby could use some speech therapy. Otherwise humans will continue to underestimate his intelligence.
The stay-at-home policy has been good for dogs in shelters. More of them are getting adopted. Those shelters incubate the disease as much as prisons do for human inmates. Finally, the Golden Deceiver has not consulted us about when to reopen America. If he did, he would realize that not only do we fear for the health of our owners, but we don’t want to be left alone or with cats again when our owners return to work.
Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.