SAN DIEGO−The Black Plague ravaged Europe from 1347 until 1351 and killed between a third and half of its population. It was transmitted by fleas which had bitten infected rats brought to Italy by trading ships returning from China. Imagine that historians recently discovered manuscripts from the Center for Bubonic Control (CBC), advising kings how to deal with the pandemic. Further, imagine Donald Trump hearing about these documents, and wondering if they might contain lessons for how he should handle the Covid19 crisis.
Your Royal Highnesses,
In light of the apocalyptic toll this cursed sickness is taking on your subjects, the CBC suggests the following policies:
Don’t let merchants come from China. Past honors bestowed on Marco Polo should be rescinded.
Build moats around your castles and avoid contact with serfs or burghers. Divert them from their anger over the deadly affliction by letting them carouse in inns and taverns drinking and procuring the services of lowborn wenches. Open up their markets so they can sell their produce and wares. When you claim your share of their crops and products, have them delivered outside the moat. After a day in the sun, you can send your servants to fetch the goods. By then, the delivery serfs will have perished.
If you need to communicate with your knights, send them messages via carrier pigeons or catapults.
Your knights might worry about catching the disease while battling your enemies. We suggest they always wear suits of armor and helmets. Stuffing sackcloth into the visors of the helmets might prevent them from inhaling the demons causing this malady.
Hand to hand combat and sword fighting occur in too close of proximity given the lethality of the China plague. Jousting lances should be long enough to keep knights from coming too near to their rivals. Crossbows also provide a safe distance. Dumping boiling oil on foes from turrets or the top of walls will burn the contagion as you witness the deaths of your adversaries from above.
There are no proven cures for the Black Plague, but we have heard rumors that leeches can suck the poison out leaving only minor scars. What have you got to lose?
While this scourge originated in China, the bishops assure us that the Jews are responsible for spreading it. To avert your burghers and serfs from blaming you, encourage them to attack Jews, pillage their dwellings, and steal their belongings. To provide your subjects with even greater security, expel the Jews from your midst.
If you heed this advice, the Black Plague will disappear as suddenly as it appeared. You might even be able to return to normal reigning by the end of the century as these Dark Ages become Middle Ones.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.