SAN DIEGO−Very few people are aware that the President studied medicine at Trump University where his grades were the highest ever recorded. He did so well that he was permitted to skip his internship and residency. He opted not to practice because he had to take over the family business. He has kept up with medicine by watching Dr. Oz and Grey’s Anatomy. Managing the pandemic has thrust him into the role of dispensing prescriptions for curing the coronavirus.
“A new study shows that heat, humidity, and sunlight kill the coronavirus on external surfaces. If that’s true, then they should work on human skin and lungs too. I know one of the reasons I haven’t contracted Covid19 is that I spend an hour daily in a tanning bed and golfing outside whenever I can. Some nanny state doctors warn that this might cause skin cancer, but if I have to choose, I’d prefer melanoma to coronavirus. Indeed, I’ve ordered clinical trials to determine if skin cancer destroys the coronavirus. If not, the chemotherapy probably will. Now that we know about heat and humidity I’m also recommending that people install saunas in their homes. What have they got to lose?”
“Bleach and rubbing alcohol kill the virus too. I’ve always loved bleach because it makes everything it touches whiter. It might even be the solution to America’s racial problems. As for rubbing alcohol, it validates the foresight of Georgia’s governor for including massage parlors among the first businesses to be reopened in his state. Next he should open bars specializing in cocktails made with rubbing alcohol. Replace the gin in a gin and tonic with rubbing alcohol mixed with quinine tonic water, and coronavirus and malaria will be vanquished in one fowl swoop. I surmise that martinis substituting rubbing alcohol for gin or vodka which are shaken and not stirred will have a license to kill the coronavirus.”
“When the current pandemic is over and I am enjoying my second term, I plan to fund research into finding a cure for Alzheimer’s disease. I predict that either a vaccine made from elephant brains or tying strings around the fingers of those suffering from this affliction will restore their memories.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.