SAN DIEGO−Since many governors and the president are rushing to reopen the economy even before the White House guidelines for reopening have been met, job seekers looking for safe work should apply for these positions.
Cashier at a Drive In: Forget ushering in theatres with people sitting next to each other and coughing. Drive Ins confine audience members in their cars. The cashier works in a plexiglass booth equipped with a scanner that reads credit cards from 6 feet away. Other duties: Checking that each car has a bedpan and that there are never more than two people per car sitting on opposite sides in the back and front seats.
Human Resources Officer: Work for Zoom, the fastest growing company in the world. In this position you will fire employees via Zoom calls from the comfort of your home. Your image and whereabouts will never be revealed on the screen.
Librarian at the Donald Trump Presidential Library: Whether he wins or loses in November, President Trump has started planning for opening his presidential library. It will consist primarily of screening rooms running loops of footage from The Apprentice, appearances on Fox News, campaign rallies, and coronavirus briefings. The librarian will have the safest job at the facility since the only books in the reading room will be The Art of the Deal and Trump’s never opened Bible, and no visitors are expected to use it.
Night Watchman in a Plutonium Processing Plant: You will be assigned to the graveyard shift checking the gauges and the doors in the safety of your hazmat suit. You need not worry about catching Covid-19 since radiation kills it (and probably you as well).
Deep Sea Diver: Not only do you get the best PPE available; you are also insulated from germs by the ocean.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.*