Dispatches from the War on Coronavirus

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−This week President Trump told Americans to consider themselves warriors in the battle against coronavirus and the mobilization to reopen the economy.  Here are dispatches from the front lines to guide them.

*Basic Credit Card Training: You’ve been using your credit card for online purchases.  Now you need target practice to relearn how to swipe it or have its chip read.  Cash the checks you’ve received from the government and shop ‘til you drop all of money you’ve received.  Who knows if what you want to buy will still on the shelves when the second wave of coronavirus hits?  In military wars soldiers dig trenches; in this struggle they dig themselves into debt.

*An army needs tactical vehicles.  Purchase SUVs and other big cars that guzzle gas.  We need to boost the price of oil high and reverse the improvements in air quality that have happened in the past two months.

*It has been a long time since you’ve taken a vacation.  Book a flight.  Be United in making American great again!

*Consider going out socially a furlough from your service at home.  You can date and have sex again.  All single civilian soldiers will be issued body condoms made of plastic bubble wrap.  Just make sure before you sleep with someone, take them out to a movie and an expensive dinner first.  Make sure you eat meat to keep those packing plants open.

*If you contract Covid-19 in your skirmishes with the current recession, you will be awarded a green heart medal.  If you perish from the disease, you will be given a military funeral if there’s still room at the cemeteries.

*Your government is sponsoring research in creating a vaccine against the virus.  The most promising trial right now involves harvesting the antibodies in Michael Flynn’s blood.  He appears to have absolute immunity.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.