SAN DIEGO − The fireworks are over. The crowd is gone. National Park System workers are taking down the folding chairs. Towering above them the sculpted heads of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt are discussing the speech they just heard.
Washington: I don’t trust that guy. If he chopped down a cherry tree, I bet he’d tell his father that the president before him did it. We granted citizens the right to “peaceably assemble” and “petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” How could he call legal protests “violent mayhem” that is “the predictable result of years of extreme indoctrination and bias in education, journalism, and other cultural institutions?”
Jefferson: I admit that I screwed up by counting slaves as two-thirds of a person in the census and not manumitting my slaves. I get the impression that Trump would reinstate slavery if it wouldn’t violate the Thirteenth Amendment. He probably considers 13 an unlucky number on constitutional grounds. I’ve heard rumors that the only wall he doesn’t like is the one between church and state.
Lincoln: Does he really believe that preserving America’s heritage entails protecting statues of the insurrectionists who tore this country apart. I’m surprised he didn’t assure his followers, “If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.” I might have a hole in my head, but he’s the one who’s brain dead.
Roosevelt: Did you hear that he did nothing when Russia offered a bounty to the Taliban to kill American soldiers. He might admire me because I was a strong and blustery president too, but he has inverted my favorite motto to mean “Shout loudly and carry a toothpick.”
Washington: At least the people in the audience enjoyed the spectacle. It’s not like they’re going to die from it.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.