Parasha Toldot
SAN DIEGO — With all the election stress, COVID stress, societal stress, marital and family stress, stress of kids at home, stress about increasing crime, stress about racial divisiveness and financial stress swirling about, wouldn’t a love story right about now be welcome? Welcome Toldot, a magnificent parasha filled with wisdom about love.
We are told that husband and wife are to, “cleave to each other and become one flesh.” This is precisely what Isaac and Rebecca teach us so clearly. They also prayed as one. We see this in the gematria of יצחק and רבקה, totaling 515. This equals the gematria of בשר אחד or “one flesh.” Even more, 515 is also the gematria of תפלה.
The Torah is teaching us that love and prayer are one. יצחק and רבקה show us what proper love and proper prayer are all about. After all, the first time we see the word “love” in the Torah is with regards to this couple. Prayer is less about asking Hashem for things than thanking Him for our lives. The same can be said about wise marriages – we are helpers of each other, not simply givers to each other. Think of prayer and marriage filled with positivity, gratitude and praise – that’s what יצחק and רבקה reveal to us in Toldot. In fact, the Torah says, “Isaac prayed to Hashem opposite his wife.” What does this mean, “opposite his wife”? Our Sages explain that they were in unison, and some say they literally embraced each other face-to-face while praying. Rebecca stood opposite Isaac to be a helper, not an opponent. The Torah tells us that marriage and prayer are intertwined.
We see this in the “Nishamat Kol Chai” prayer that we say every Shabbat before the Shema and Amida. Look at the end of the prayer. See the names of Isaac and Rebecca inside the acrostic? This is the first loving couple that personified proper prayer…and love.
The unity of love is seen in the numerical values of the words echad (one) and ahava (love) being the same. Genuine love is a state of being, in which two become one flesh, united in their desires and fate.
Chazal teach in Avot 5:16: “When love depends on something outside of itself and that thing comes to an end, love comes to an end. When love does not depend on something outside of itself, that love will endure forever.” Yitzhak loved Esav ki tzayid befiv, “because” of the hunting that Esav used to bring him to eat, while the Torah tells us simply that Rivka loved Yaakov, no reason for the latter, she just loved him, independent of anything. The Torah uses the past tense, “Isaac loved Esau,” since his love was short lived, dependent on something being done and when it was, that love changed. On the other hand we are told that Rebecca’s love for Jacob, “ahava she’lo teluya b’davar,” is a love that is never extinguished. The Torah uses the present tense, “but Rebecca loves Jacob,” to tell us that her love is constant, with no ulterior motive, it is ever-present, it is unconditional, ever-growing and does not depend on any external thing. It will surely endure forever.
Many marriages however do not have this mindset and instead focus on what they can get from each other. These marriages often drift apart and deteriorate when getting stops.
The Sefat Emet tells us God’s love for us is different. It is eternal, unconditional, not dependent on anything, and is always present. As is our love for Hashem …when we open our eyes, hearts and minds and see, feel and hear it, especially in prayer, that is particularly filled with verses of praise, gratitude and thanks, self-analysis. With unshakable honesty, as we make Hashem the center of our lives with no prerequisites, unconditionally, as we make our spouses/partners similarly the center of our lives, we become one with Hashem…and one in our marriage.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com