By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Last week a US District judge declared California’s ban on semi-automatic assault rifles unconstitutional by declaring, “Like the Swiss Army knife, the popular AR-15 rifle is a perfect combination of home defense weapon and homeland defense equipment. Good for both home and battle.” The more I think about it, the two are almost identical in their uses.
An AR-15 can shoot 400 bullets in a minute. If someone is dexterous, he, she, or they can stab someone 400 times in a minute, especially if they are wielding a semi-automatic Swiss Army knife.
A Swiss Army knife features a scissor to cut paper. An AR-15 can saw a person in half. It is pretty much the same thing.
A Swiss Army knife has a can and bottle opener. You can open cans and bottles by shooting them with an AR-15, though there won’t be much left of the can, bottle, or their contents.
A Swiss Army knife has a fish scaler. Rapidly shooting a volley of bullets at someone can flay him, her, or them. By the way, fishing with an AR-15 increases the number of fish you can catch and pretty much fillets them.
A Swiss Army knife has a nail file. An AR-15 can nail hundreds of a people in a minute and file them under DOA.
Although the judge didn’t realize it, he has reduced the need for big defense budgets. Forget about all the expensive weapons issued to soldiers, they can all be equipped with Swiss Army knives at a fraction of the cost, thereby enabling them to return to hand to hand combat, the way wars were fought in the good old days. On the other hand, maybe there should be a ban on machetes and swords. Compared to Swiss Army knives, they are dangerous weapons of mass destruction!
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.