By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Last week President Biden announced that today would be Indigenous Peoples Day to offset the deleterious impact Christopher Columbus’ voyages had on Native Americans. Of course, they already memorialized Columbus Day as Genocide Genesis Day. If this serves as a precedent for renaming other holidays to reflect what they stand for, then expect Biden make the following announcements in the future:
The day after Halloween will be called Childhood Cavity and Diabetes Day.
Thanksgiving will be designated as Stuffing Day, an inclusive term that describes what happens to both turkeys and people on that day.
All of December will be dubbed Merchandizing Month culminating in Amazon De-Boxing Day on December 25th. In accordance with this logic, the 26th will be Many Happy Returns Day.
New Year’s Eve will become Bacchanal Bash Night and New Year’s Day Hangover Healing Day.
Valentines Day will be referred to as the He/She/ He/He, She/She and They/They Day with options to add pronouns as new sexual orientations emerge
Honoring its most conspicuous symbols, the term for Easter will become Which Came First the Rabbit or the Egg Day.
If the pandemic continues, Independence Day will be renamed Super Spreader Day. An alternative is Original Brexit Day.
Depending on one’s salary or work status, Labor Day will be referred to either as Minimum Wage Day, Middle Class Day, Trust Fund Kid Day, or One Percent Day. Unemployed people will be barred from celebrating it.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.