By Laurie Baron, Ph.D
SAN DIEGO — Ever since Labor Day, gravestones and skeletons have been popping up on the lawns in my neighborhood. I initially thought these were makeshift memorials to the people who have died of Covid. As they have proliferated as Halloween draws nearer, I’m beginning to think that the rest of the year from September to December should be called decoration season. After all, there is no longer any respite from ubiquitous outdoor lights whose colors shift from orange and black to green and red as the year progresses. Similarly, inflatable and plastic figures from black cats and ghosts morph into reindeer and Santa Claus populating the front yards of American homes during this period.
Although the severity of the pandemic appears to be diminishing, the experience of last year should teach us that mass celebrations of holidays are usually preludes to new surges. With that in mind, here are some guidelines for how to deal with trick or treaters this year.
–When trick or treaters approach your house, you can turn away those without masks, and, by masks I don’t mean the kind that have eyeholes.
–If there are trick or treaters carrying signs and wearing clothing with anti-vaxer slogans, give them sugar pills in bottles marked Chloroquine or tubes of frosting marked Ivermectin. Since these ingredients are just as effective in not curing Covid as the medications they are named after, you’ll be doing no harm and they might even have a placebo effect on the children who swallow them. Resist the temptation to offer these kids a glass of bleach.
–The only real way to be safe in having contact with trick or treaters is to require they show you their vaccination cards if they are over 12 years old. On the other hand, be aware that this might attract anti-mandate protesters to picket your house. Many of the trick or treaters dressed as firefighters, nurses, and police officers will avoid your house if they know about your rule.
–If you see adults who look like shamans or Vikings carrying cans of bear spray and poles with MAGA flags, they are probably wayward Stop the Steal demonstrators searching for a federal government building and not your house. Film them with your phone and send the images to the nearest FBI office.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.