Parasha Vayishlach
By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — This week’s Torah reading has more passukim, 154 verses, than any other in Sefer Bereishis. There must be a good reason, and indeed, there are many lessons from which we can derive benefit inside the depth of these many verses. The parasha is bursting with scheming, compromise, desire, retaliation, hostility, birth, and death.
In Parshah Vayishlach פָּרָשָׁה וַיִּשְׁלַח, we learn from Jacob how to deal with stress by showing us to use conflict, challenges, and difficulties in life in the service of our growth. You see, Jacob found meaning and lessons that helped him and turned his obstacles into blessings.
It says in the parasha, “The angels returned to Jacob, saying, ‘We came to your brother, to Esau, and he is also coming toward you, and four hundred men are with him.’ Jacob became very frightened and was distressed; so he divided the people who were with him and the flocks and the cattle and the camels into two camps.”
HaRav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, in teaching about dealing with fear, tells us that Jacob was fearful not because he was worried he was going to be punished by Esav, but rather he was worried that he had not reached his full potential. Sure, Jacob had emunah, but that meant for him not necessarily knowing what the future held, knowing instead and more importantly, who held the future.
Rav Henach Leibowitz explains that Jacob’s fear awakened and uplifted him, and that Jacob used his fear to buttress his faithfulness in Hashem. Fear can be a strength, not a weakness. And from the teaching of Rav Shlomo Wolbe, we learn that Jacob turned a potential mess into a clear message from Hashem, “Trust in me but invest in whatever effort is necessary and is in your power to save yourself and your family.”
Recall Jacob’s wrestling with Esau’s guardian angel, who, according to Rashi, meant to weaken Jacob before the two brothers met. Did this stop Jacob? Would Jacob shy away from conflict? He exemplifies the idea that avoiding or resenting conflict isn’t effective in transforming people for the good. Blame and complain? No, not Jacob. He rose through his praise. He turned his fear into faith. Rather than allowing himself to become emotionally triggered, Jacob knew that would weaken him. He changed his thinking, recognizing that would help him turn life’s stumbling blocks into stepping-stones. Regardless of whether the struggle was a psychological one, a divine or real one, Jacob triumphed…and received a new name as a reward, “…Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, because you have commanding power with [an angel of] God and with men, and you have prevailed.” He “practiced the pause” and saw a lesson in his struggle, saw the positive in the adversity, how the melee turned out better that it could have. By focusing on what one can learn, what went right and not wrong, what one can be grateful for, we improve our emotional resilience.
So, if avoiding a challenge isn’t effective, what can we learn from Jacob in Vayishlach? Jacob is showing us the value of not demanding, not insisting, or not complaining that life is presenting us with a conflict, a hardship, a challenge. Rather, Jacob “repaired” himself to find meaning, a lesson, in every situation. Rather than whining about a problem, Jacob fully confronted and wrestled with it, mindfully prepared himself to be curious rather than angry. Sure, he also prayed. Reb Levi Yitachak of Berditchev teaches us to ask Hashem not why we are suffering, but to show us the meaning of our suffering, what the suffering requires of us, and what He is communicating to us through our suffering. “What can I learn from this?” is the mental position to take to grow through, not just go through, stress.
Another important mussar lesson I see in this week’s reading relates to forgiveness. Jacob searches within himself to find forgiveness and Esau forgives him. This is the first time we see the notion of teshuvah in the Torah. Teshuva is a psychological experience of becoming our best selves by liberating our thinking, untying our belief knots from what holds us back to allow us to move forward to change and to improve. When we communicate our hurt and give another a chance to transform and develop, we create more good within ourselves and more opportunities for others. Jacob and Esau showed us this path to create peace. How can we follow it? Their hug and kiss are a powerful vision to hold onto whenever you find yourself burning your hand while holding a hot piece of coal you want to throw at another.
Thank you, Jacob. For what, you may well ask? For teaching us the value of never missing an opportunity in life to do good, to say a kind word, to recognize that the present is all we have. Jacob, in a simple act, showed us to avoid the “someday” mindset, and instead shows us how important it is to never overlook the now, especially when it comes to offering a kind word, or a gift of kindness to another. Practice the pause and see what you may have missed.
In the Talmud, in Chulin 91, we learn from R’Elazar, “And Jacob remained alone” – he remained to take small flasks. It seems that R’ Elazar is teaching that Jacob returned across the river because he forgot some small flasks. But didn’t he have a bit more on his mind than to sweat returning to get some seemingly insignificant small flasks? Perhaps Jacob wasn’t thinking of himself. Perhaps Jacob was showing us the importance of considering others. Perhaps Jacob sensed these small flasks may have been important to someone in his family. And he shows us the value of acting now, not later, for perhaps he was concerned there may be no later. If you want to know what’s important to you, look at how you spend your now.
Jacob, our father, our teacher, offers us a remarkably important lesson. Kindness, that is, compassion in action, expressed now, is the key to a successful life. Should I tell him/her/they what a good friend he/she/they is? Should I tell her/him/they how nice she/he/they looks today? Should I offer to help the other person? Should I offer to buy that stranger standing behind me in line at the coffee shop, a cup of coffee? Should I go back across the river for some seemingly invaluable small flasks? Jacob teaches us a simple answer. Yes. Now.
Rabbi Noah Weinberg, the founder of Aish HaTorah, once asked someone if they ever prayed. He said, “Rabbi, I pray every day.” “Really,” replied Reb Noah. “Did G-d ever answer your prayers?” “Are you kidding? He answers every prayer!” said the man. “Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it’s no.”
When the answer is no, let’s follow Jacob and ask ourselves what Hashem is telling us? What can we learn? How is He helping us grow through this? This mindset allows us to always be thankful. Hashem is always with us, protecting us, watching over us. Let’s be more aware of this and not miss opportunities to perform small acts of kindness or share a loving word, or a smile. Now.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com