Humoring the Hernia

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — I haven’t written my satire column for two weeks.  Thousands of my fans, well to be honest all three of them, have wondered why.  I’ve been taking a medical leave.

While sitting and reading a book about three weeks ago, I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen and looked down to see a golf ball size bulge protruding out of it.  Since I had a hernia 25 years ago, I immediately thought it had recurred, though my cinematic imagination made me fear it was the larval form of the creature from Alien beginning to erupt through my skin and scamper around my house.  My quandary was whether to go to urgent care or contact Segourney Weaver.

The next day I met with a doctor who concurred with my first hunch and ordered an ultrasound. The technician performing the ultrasound commented that it did not feel like a hernia.  The radiologist picked up on her observation and concluded it was a mass.  Fortunately, he did not think it was a fetus. The ominous word mass made me so anxious that I phoned my lawyer to make an appointment to update my will.

A week later I had a CT scan which confirmed the original diagnosis but indicated that the hernia had entrapped some surrounding tissue.  In other words, it had the potential to become a “strangulation hernia,” which would be a great title for a horror movie and then a sequel Alien vs. the Strangulation Hernia.

After reading the CT findings and examining me, a surgeon informed me that I had to have the hernia repaired as soon as possible and scheduled the surgery for three days later.  Hours after that I learned my older brother had been placed on life support.  He passed away that evening. Following Jewish law, the funeral was held in Chicago on the day before my surgery. Explaining to relatives why I could not attend it, I experiences pangs of guilt and worried some of them might construe this as an expression of sibling rivalry.

This hernia surgery differed markedly from the previous one.  It was done as an outpatient procedure. As a chronic insomniac, I appreciated being sedated for three hours.  To deaden the pain around the incision, the anesthesiologist injected me with Exparel which numbs the abdomen and nerves emanating from it for up to four days.  I hope there is a counterpart to it that can be used on overactive minds that keep people like me awake.  I was able to walk the same day with relatively little pain.

So now I am at home convalescing and inflicting pain on the readers of this column.

*

Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com.