By Natasha Josefowitz, ACSW, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — I assume that most of my readers live in places where they have access to foo clean water, a roof over their heads, and medical help 24/7, as I do. We have no fears that someone might come in the middle of the night to arrest us with trumped up charges. I believe that most of the world population would be happy and relieved to exchange places with us. So, indeed, we should be grateful that we are safe and taken care of.
However, there are a surprising number of people who complain. The bus was late. The food service was slow. The plumber did not show up. The computer had a glitch. It rained. There was traffic…. The list goes on. Who are the people who complain? I see complainers fitting in four categories: the poor me, legitimate, chronic, and strategic.
When you meet up with a poor me person and say, “Hello. How are you?” instead of the expected “Just fine,” you get a litany of responses including: “Not well, in fact, terrible.” This requires a reaction of sympathy and concern, as the focus falls on the person with the problem. These may be people who seek compassion and/or attention; one should simply nod and listen. Poor me complainers reject solutions; they want you to commiserate, act sad, and share being upset with them. Perhaps giving them a comforting hug might help for the moment. One could also deflect by saying: “You should hear my problems” and go on with a laundry list of your own issues.
For legitimate complainers, especially people living alone, sharing one’s ills and frustrations can be stress-reducing, as everyone needs a compassionate listener. The legitimate complainer is seeking support and alternative solutions for improvement. These individuals have grounds to grumble given their current situation (such as health conditions, financial concerns, relationship issues, etc.).
Chronic complainers often feel powerless and angry; nothing seems to go right. The world is out to get them. Nothing is good enough. Nothing changes. There is a wide gap between expectations and reality.
Chronic complainers feel they are not being heard. The way to respond is to validate their feelings, but this may not work as the complainer gets satisfaction from grumbling. Complaining may also be a bonding experience. You bond with people who have similar complaints and share discontent with the status quo.
Research shows that constant complaining rewires our brains for negativity. Both negative thinking and speech become integral parts of our being, so much so that we start seeking negativity all around us because we are used to it; it becomes a habit. Chronic complainers can only be happy when they are unhappy. Complaining causes our hippocampus to become smaller. It makes one focus more on the problems than the solutions.
Complaining can be contagious. If we find ourselves falling into the same mental habits as the malcontents around us, we must stop in our tracks. When we complain we increase our levels of, the stress hormone. High levels of cortisol can lead to a variety of health problems, including risk of depression, high blood pressure, digestive problems, sleep issues, and a higher risk of heart disease.
Incomprehensible behaviors have unconscious reasons. To deal with chronic complainers, ask what their needs are, suggest possible solutions, and redirect the conversation, but be aware that none of this may help.
If you are a chronic complainer, check if you are dissatisfied with yourself first. Are you unhappy about something else besides the complaint? Look at your text messages and emails to see if there is a negative theme to how you communicate. Most people communicate with a ration of around 80% positive to 20% negative . If you’re closer to 50-50, you are leaning heavily on the negative side; that is indeed a problem that needs to be addressed.
Strategic complainers are action-oriented and seek improvement of the status quo. They use complaints to identify issues and wish to motivate people to join them in finding solutions.
Are you a complainer? If so, which category do you identify with? Before you complain, ask yourself what you really want to accomplish. Poor me complainers want sympathy. Legitimate complainers seek a resolution. Chronic complainers don’t want anything; they just want to be heard. Strategic complainers choose their complaints carefully and wish to work with others to make improvements.
People will continue complaining. By becoming aware of one’s needs and purposes, there is a chance that one can modify the tendency to complain and address the situation appropriately in a more productive way.
*
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com