Satire: Cancel Cuisine

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — McDonald’s has closed its restaurants in Russia to protest the invasion of Ukraine.  Considering the high levels of cholesterol and salt in its products, it could have harmed Russia more by providing meals for Russian soldiers who would eventually keel over from heart attacks when they get scared in battle.

Other fast-food chains are contemplating shutting down or engaging in political gestures to halt Putin’s aggressive war.

Dunkin Donuts expects ceasing its operations will force Russian internal police to look for alternate hangouts rather than arrest dissidents.

Taco Bell decided it could do more to hurt Russia by staying open.  After all, Russian soldiers eating lots of greasy tacos and burritos are likely to spend more time in latrines than in combat. It will revive its old slogan, “Run for the border.”

Starbucks plans to misspell the names the cups of coffee ordered by Russian soldiers to delay them from returning to their posts.

Before Burger King could close, the Russian government expropriated it and renamed it Burger Czar.  Burger King has disassociated itself from the new company calling it a whopper of a lie.

Panda Express is waiting for China to decide whether it the company should by woke or wok.

Food trucks are refusing to service the 40-mile convoy of Russian vehicles and weapons on the road to Kyiv.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has boarded its shop windows and posted the slogan “a middle finger flicking good” on them.

Arby’s has moved out of Russia, but Putin’s government has converted its shops into borscht kitchens and advertises them with the tagline, “We have the beets!”

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.