By Natasha Josefowitz, ACSW, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — “They don’t allow it,” you’re told. “They wouldn’t like it….” “They have decided…” “It’s up to them.”
We hear such common pronouncements often, but who are they? They are “the powers that be,” the nameless, faceless others who control our lives. They are the systems, institutions, organizations, boards of directors, trustees, governing bodies or other members of the upper echelon. They determine others’ roles, distribute tasks and allocate resources.
One’s role deals with who you are, tasks with what you do, and resources with what you have access to in order to do your job. If you can understand roles, tasks, and resources in terms of their expectations and yours—learning what is negotiable—you have a chance to exert some control over your work and life.
Your role usually is defined by a formal title, the responsibilities attached to that title, and by specific behaviors. The way a specific role is performed determines its influence. For example, the role of chairperson can be exercised democratically, ensuring that all members have a say; or in a more manipulative fashion, recognizing only members who agree with you to speak. Similarly, the role of a secretary may include typing and filing, but can be more influential when attending meetings, writing reports and making important decisions.
Roles always have two aspects: others’ expectations and your own. The importance of others’ expectations is that it colors their perceptions of your performance. It is important to get feedback as to whether expectations are being met.
While roles are easily defined at the workplace, they become more fluid in the personal sphere. We all have several roles to play as our lives unfold. From the role of a child, to student, to earner, to parent, our roles change with the decades and the events of our lives. As we hold several roles simultaneously, we need to prioritize the time allotted to each one. The role of parent to young children will need to be prioritized over work, while the parent of a college student may focus more on work. The role of spouse changes with family needs. As one ages, a spouse may become caretaker to their partner. Role reversal can occur as aging parents start depending on their adult children; there may be specific tasks required such as finding an appropriate facility or caretaker if the parent is aging at home. And just as parents helped their children navigate the process of applying for college, that same child may need to help their parent access available resources or facilities.
The main problem that many working women face today concerns juggling their various work and family roles. This multiplicity of demands can generate significant stress. Determining how to prioritize these roles is key to managing it all. Identifying the specific tasks to be performed for each area of responsibility, as well as seeking available external resources, is essential in this process.
Family illnesses change priorities. Some of my older friends place a high priority on their roles as grandparents, which can sometimes mean being essential if the parent(s) work. The needed resources may include one’s available time and energy, as well as skills for dealing with young active children.
As one grows older and eventually retires, there are no children to care for. Some people’s primary role becomes that of a volunteer. For others, their primary role is to care for themselves. Likewise, to be a friend is an important role and, depending on the demands of the friendship, the task may be to spend time together or to be helpful and available during an emergency.
Our lives are lived in concentric circles. The first circle is that of immediate family, where the roles are defined by their needs. The next circle, a little wider, is that of extended family and friends. The next circle may include the work environment and one’s community. The circle may widen to include one’s country and eventually the world at large. All of these require different roles with different tasks and available resources.
I am asking my readers to identify their primary role(s), define the accompanying necessary tasks, and see if you have the resources to accomplish these tasks successfully. With most of my family living afar, my role as a great-grandmother involves connecting with family members regularly via Zoom. Another role is being a helpful resident in my retirement community. My favorite role is that of writer; my task being to write this bi-monthly column. My resources include Google, Wikipedia, my friends, as well as, quite often, you, my readers. I thank you for that!
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© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com
Wise words!