By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Congress is holding its first hearing on Unidentified Flying Objects in over fifty years, but the UFO (Uncompromising Fascistic Oath-Breakers) Caucus is intent on exposing the radical agenda pursued by extraterrestrials. Here’ s a preview of their questions and comments:
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Am I mistaken, or did I see a Jewish star on the fuselage of the spacecraft equipped with what looks like laser in one of the classified photos of a UFO? Moreover, we all know from movies that aliens are notorious for anal probing. Have you discovered any documents indicating contacts between UFOs and the pedophile cabal that controls the world?
Lauren Boebert: I recently learned about and watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. It ends with a giant fetus floating in space. Are aliens trying to tell us that we should outlaw abortion or face intergalactic destruction? It may be banning abortion nationally isn’t sufficient. We may need to expand its applicability to the universe through the UN, NASA, and the Space Force.
Louie Gohmert: We need to police our space border as strictly as our southern border. I have intelligence which I obtained from the former president that interplanetary coyotes are smuggling Mexican and other Latinos in our country by beaming them up to their space transports and dropping them off in Area 51.
Madison Cawthorn: The Air Force has confirmed numerous times that the unidentified objects that have been reported move erratically rather than in a straight line. I believe that the depraved members of Congress have been having their cocaine orgies with the undocumented aliens on these vehicles, accounting for this zigzagging. I plan to disguise myself as a seductive female staffer in a negligee to infiltrate one of these parties.
Jim Jordan: Is it true that the wreckage of a downed UFO contained Dominion Voting Machines and a manual for them written by Hugo Chavez? The manifest allegedly found in its cockpit indicated that it previously delivered similar machines to polling locations in Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.
Andrew Clyde: Is the Air Force concealing evidence that the peaceful protesters on 1/6 were tourists from another galaxy? From reading a lot of science fiction, I know that it is a tradition on their planets to demonstrate how welcome they feel in a new place by breaking windows and engaging in friendly fisticuffs with the locals.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.