By Laurie Baron
Worried about all the legal problems his father-in-law is facing, Jared Kushner persuaded him to attend Yom Kippur services to atone for his sins. Donald agreed only on the condition that he didn’t have to fast and could call DoorDash to deliver him a Big Mac, fries, and diet Coke at lunch on Yom Kippur day. He also insisted that Jared make sure that Merrick Garland wasn’t a member of his congregation.
Trump appreciated the Kol Nidre because it negated any vows he had made. He thought it sounded like the precursor to the Fifth Amendment. On the other hand, he refused to recite the Viddui because he never did anything wrong. He tore the pages out of the machzor with the intention of sending them to all his enemies who have conducted witch hunts against him. Why should he forgive them? They were the ones who needed to atone.
When it came to singing the Avinu Malkeinu, he changed the English translation to read “Our president despite the usurper currently occupying the office, our king, everyone has sinned against you.” He interpreted the hymn to mean that everyone reciting it was asking for a pardon.
He was impressed by the ornate mantel covering the Torah and the silver crown atop it. That’s the way he plans to dress after his coronation in 2024. Moreover, the reverence the Jews exhibited toward the Torah is what he expects from his advisors and the American people. He asked Jared if he could steal the Torah and store it at Mar-a-Lago to impress his Jewish accountants and lawyers. Jared objected reminding Trump that he couldn’t understand Hebrew. Trump said it didn’t matter because he doesn’t understand English either. Inspired by the Torah passage read that day, he intends to add Kohen Gadol (high priest) to his titles as president and king eliminating the separation of powers.
After the service, Jared and he returned home. Trump skipped the break-fast because he was too full from the Big Mac, but he did make room for a big piece of chocolate cake. As with everything, he wanted to show he could have it and eat it too.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com.